The end of something is the beginning of something else

*Clears throat* I have a confession to make.

I am no longer a SAHM. On Tuesday I begin my first job in 6 years, my first job in Iowa, my first job since getting married, my first job since having my babies. This is huge to me. This is the end of my SAHM life and the beginning of my working mom life.

I am worried about my babies going to day care. I am worried Paityn will feel like I abandoned her since she has never really been without me. I am worried I'll screw something up horribly. I'm worried my babies will look back at this time and only remember a mom who worked. I am worried that I have forgotten how to interact with adults outside of family. I am worried I won't be good enough at my job or at home or anywhere because all I've known in the last 6 years is being home, taking care of my babies & my puppies, tending to all things home & garden related. I'm worried about a million on one things because I am a mom.

I need for my babies to be ok & for my babies to be ok. I need my decisions to be the right ones. Which means I need for my decision to go back to work to be the right one not just for me, but for them. I need the decision to put the girls in daycare to be the right one. I need the day care I picked to be the right one. I need me to be able to work and still be worth something when I get home. I need this job to be the right job so I don't end up miserable or over tired or over worked so I don't see my family or am no good to them when I do get to be with them.

I have to take a giant leap of faith that I have made the right decisions not just for me, but for them (my girls, my husband & yes even my puppies) So what I ask you to please, please send your good thoughts to us, pray that the decisions I have made really are good for my family.

With all that said I am excited. I am excited that Madison will be going to preschool. Their daycare has a preschool curriculum where she will learn numbers, letters, and so much more. She wants to go to school so she finally gets what she wants. I am excited that I get to get out and have adult interactions. I am excited to contribute to the household. I am excited to see how Paityn will grow in a day care and interact with the other kids (all girls by the way).

A Journey in Life

February 21, 2003, I started my journey in life. It was as if things were starting to fall into place. You may be asking why I decided this date was the start of my journey. Well, its because its the date that my husband & I started dating. Its really what began this wonderful life we live. If I hadn't started dating him, I wouldn't be where I am because I wouldn't have married him or had Madison or Paityn. I probably wouldn't have moved out of my parents when I did without him. I wouldn't have gotten my dogs either.  You get the point.

It was with him that this journey began. It took a long time for us to get here, but the truth is, is that I enjoyed the almost 5 years of dating before he proposed. I loved the little over a year it took for us to plan a wedding. I loved & enjoyed our wedding! We had fun. We lived together for a while. We lived a part a lot (he traveled for work from the day we started dating until 2 1/2 years after we got married). The time apart sucked, but didn't suck at the same time. I could travel with him & I did after I lost my job & moved to Iowa. I traveled back to IL when he went at least once a month (we even took the dogs). We benefited by using his frequent flier miles for flying to Daytona for the 500. Once we had Madison though, things changed. It was harder to travel with him, but we did it. It was harder when he was gone & then it was harder when he was home. Madison & I had a routine & him being home kinda screwed it up so it was hard, but we worked with it. When she was 15 months he got a job that kept him home every night! He was missing so much of her growing up. That was quite the adjustment to have him home all the time. Once we got adjusted, we put the house up for sale & started building the new house. Talk about being in flux. Then just as we got a buyer for our townhouse we found out we were going to be blessed with another. We moved into the new house & it was chaos until we got unpacked & settled though some days I still feel like we aren't fully settled. Paityn made us adjust our life again once she got here. I still feel like I struggle with finding time for both girls & then time for myself.

Now I am trying to figure out what's next. We are done with babies (something my heart still hasn't fully cooped with). We are on to the phase where we just help our children grow & learn & be awesome individuals instead of growing our family. Though I guess I could grow it with another dog, but Dan won't let me & honestly, we are pretty busy with the 2 dogs & 2 kids & the house & yard to add another dog anyway.

These past 11 years have been quite the journey. The most wonderful one that I could have asked for because I have had a great partner to share it with. I know I waited to find the right guy & took my time with him to make sure. Now we are moving to our next phase in life & I look forward to it & every other phase as long as I have him by my side.

9 months!

Yes its a few days late, but my baby is 9 months old! She is a happy healthy 9 month old tiny baby!

At her 9 month check up she came in at 15 1/2 lbs (5%) & 27 1/2 inches (50%). They are happy with her growth as she is still following her growth curve.

She is so happy

She loves to eat! Some of her favorites are raspberries, meatloaf, sausage, eggs & cheese.

She was not a fan of the snow

She likes her jumper

loves her car

Loves to rock on her Giraffe

Some of her tricks are as follows:

Clapping
sitting up
belly crawling (almost crawling on all 4s)
Trying to pull herself up to a stand

She says mama & dada & does lots of mimicking
She tries to do the things her sister does
When you say Oh No She puts both her hands on her forehead

All in all these last 9 months have been incredible watching her grow up, but the best part is watching her bond with her sister grow & seeing what an amazing big sister Madison can be too. I love them both with everything in me. Look at their faces though! Who wouldn't love them!

Putting it out there- I have PPD

Well, one of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that I would end up with postpartum depression (PPD).

I did great after Madison was born. Didn't get PPD. It was a huge relief. I figured I was safe & wouldn't get it after having any other babies.

I got pregnant with Paityn . The fear of PPD creeped in, but I kept it at bay by reminding myself that I didn't get it with Madison so I was in the clear. After having Paityn relief washed over me because I was happy. The happiest I have ever been. I had 2 healthy happy girls. Then at the end of September it was like someone flipped a switch. I had no warning. It hit me. I was not myself. I started yelling a lot. My poor baby, Madison took the brunt of it mostly because of her 3 yr old antics & not behaving. I feel so awful for how much I yelled at her. I thought it was not enough sleep or just the behavior was wearing my patience so thin, but then this weekend she cried because she thought I was going to be mad at her because her daddy wasn't hungry for lunch. That's what did it. I knew when Dan told me that, there had to be something else at work. So I vowed to talk to my Doctor about it.

Today was my appointment. I dreaded this day because she could tell me there was nothing wrong with me which would mean I was just plain old mean to my baby for no reason at all or she would tell me I had PPD (not an excuse for being mean to my baby & trust me I am having a hard time forgiving myself for all the yelling & how much it hurt her).

Well, PPD was my answer. Its mild, but still being put on antidepressants. Not what I wanted by any means, but its treatable. It can be overcome. I am still trying to wrap my head around it, but I will get there.

In the meantime I have a few questions for the Dr about the meds before I start them. I am also going to make it all up to Madison. I don't care how many movies & TV shows or crafts or whatever she wants to do, I have to do to make her at least forget the mean mommy who yells. For the first time in a long time she snuggled up with me & told me I was the best. 

2014 Resolutions

2014 Resolutions or Maybe I should call them TO DO List instead. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. So if I can get through 21 days it will be a habit instead of a resolution, right?

What started this, this late into 2014? Well, my 3 yr old telling me she was fat, that's what did it! So here we go.

2014 TO DO LIST
1. Stop calling myself fat & start thinking of myself in better terms like healthy!
2. BE HEALTHY!

• Eat Right
• MOVE, MOVE, MOVE
• Lose some weight

3. Show my girls that anything can be done when you put your mind to it!
4. Work on my relationship with my husband by doing more together (it seems like we aren't connecting on a daily basis because of busy schedules)
5. Find the patience that I once had for my 3 yr old & use it more often!
6. Stop yelling!
7. Get our Electrician back here to finish the electrical work in the basement!
8. Find a way to keep Bailey from running away.
9. Menu plan & shop accordingly
10. Save, save, save!
11. Sell the baby stuff! We aren't having anymore so its time to start getting rid of it & make more room in the house.
12. Make Paityn & Madison's blankets that I have been wanting to do.
13. Spend lots of time outside this Spring/Summer/Fall with the girls (since Paityn will be older & hopefully toddling around by then)
14 Spend more time playing play doh & painting & all the messy things I have been avoiding because I don't want to clean it up.
15. Involve Madison more in chores & making dinner.


I can do this! I can do this! 21 days to make some good habits!

Rocking my baby

I sit here at 11 pm with your little body nestled into mine, Paityn. Sucking your thumb & starting to fall asleep. I know I should put you in your crib at this point but I can't bring myself to do it. It won't be long before these moments midnight snuggles fade away & you become a sassy 3 yr old like your sister.

I wish time could stand still for a while. You girls are growing so fast & I don't have a rewind button on your babyhood or your sister's either. I am trying to store as many memories as possible for you both, but its hard & I just want to enjoy you two.

Oh Paityn & Madison! You girls have my heart in your little hands. My heart is overwhelmed with love for you that I have a hard to not bursting into tears all the time. Tears of joy, joy you both have brought me & tears of hurt & pain because I feel every owie you get in my heart. Why you ask? Because each of you is a part of my heart. Some day when you are Mommies, you will understand.

Just do me a favor & don't grow so fast.

Happy 1/2 Birthday, Paityn!

Oh Paityn, where has the last 6 months gone? Last thing I knew you were itty bitty & then I blinked & you are this 6 month old little girl.

You love to eat solid food. Anytime I put you in your high chair you scream your head off until I feed you. You squeal & laugh when ever I bounce you on the couch cushion or the bed. You smile at your daddy every time he comes into the room. You have learned to shake your head no. You sit up pretty good, but are still trying to figure out how to get moving. I know for a fact that the minute you figure out this crawling thing you are going to really become a handful. You love bath time especially when you get to splash around in the tubby with your big sister. You watch Madison like a hawk. You are starting to babble up a storm, which means I will have 2 girls who don't stop talking! One of your favorite things to do now a days is to make your excersaucer rock.

Oh, these last 6 months have been awesome because I got to watch you grow. I can't wait for the next 6 months to see what they bring as well as to see you grow your whole life.