Grief is funny

Grief is a funny thing. I can be all right for days or even weeks & then I am balling my eyes out.

Gramps has been on my mind today. I don't know why but he has.

Since it's Mother's Day I decided to call Grams to wish her a happy one. I know she is at church so I thought I would leave her a message since I will be at the in-laws all day & don't know when I would have another chance to call. Well Fail! I couldn't do it because the second the machine picks up all I can do is cry! It's still his voice! I wouldn't want that to change for anything but I had to hung up without leaving the message.

Between this and the cards I wonder if I will ever be fully ok.

Time to pull myself together as we will be pulling up to my in-laws house in minutes.

Update 3

Its been quite a while since I updated on my list of things that I want to do this year to improve for myself & for my family.


1. I want to begin and stay working out at least 2 times a week This leaves me at least Sat & Sun when Dan is home, if Madison isn't in a cooperative mood.  Work in some other type of exercise (balance ball/yoga/workout video)
2. I want to get the crappy food out of my house.
3. I want to get out of the house more often. (more fun stuff)
4. I want to be more patient with my husband. I have all the patience in the world for Madison, but not for Dan for some reason.
5. I want to stop letting people get to me.
6. I want to get my townhouse up on the market and my house built.
7. I want to find new things for Madison and I to do
8. I want to have baby #2 (however, some of the other things listed need to happen first)
9. I want get my husband to take a mini-vacay just the two of us. 
10. I want us to spend more time together as a family adding in fun stuff too.
11. I want us to spend more time with our extended families.
12. Save Money!!!


Well, lets just say I haven't done anything & have actually slipped backwards alot on #1.  Not that this is an excuse, but things kind of got away from me when Grandpa started getting bad & I was heading back to IL every 2 weeks for a week or more.  So in order to re-focus myself on what I want to do I thought I would re-post this list & get my butt back in gear. During these trips back I did a lot of eating out & crappy eating. On the plus side I never gained back any of the weight that I had lost! Sweet! Starting Monday I will get up & work out again!


All the crappy food is still out of my house.


I guess if you count all the traveling we've done then Madison & I have been getting out a lot more.


My husband has been amazing throughout all of this. He has held me when I cried, supported & encouraged me to spend more time with my side of the family, so I could be there. Now its my turn to be patient with him while he does some turkey hunting on the weekends.  Must really work on this! He deserves it!


I just don't have time for people who want to upset me or piss me off. So I think I can cross #5 off my list now. What do you think?


Get my house built? Well, yes, I think I'm doing that. There is a basement there now at least. Tonight I will find out if they have been able to do more since we've had so much rain.  We have picked out quite a bit of things. The shingles & doors we just picked out. Saturday we are going to pick out all the lighting & Tuesday is all the faucets/sinks, etc needed for the plumbing. We did all the flooring, cabinets and such a long time ago. I just can't believe how much we have done, but how much more we need to do!


Find new things for Madison & I to do. Well, we have been doing some coloring lately & she has been really into blowing bubbles, but with the summer fast approaching I'm sure we will find even more.


Baby #2 isn't even a thought lately. We really need to get our townhouse sold before we even think about trying, though I am jealous as one of my friends told me last night that she is pregnant with her second. 


Mini-vacay - so not going to happen! The house is too much of an expense & with all the money we've spent for me to drive back and forth from IL the last few months, I just don't see us being able to swing it this year. Maybe we can just get mine or dh's mom to Madison for a weekend or something so we can have a staycation alone.


Doing more things as a family just hasn't happened either as every other week Madison and I were in IL, but now that we will be home indefinitely we can work on that more. I know hubby will want to take the wee one fishing as often as possible! I will love that too!


More time with the extended family - I think we definitely have that covered with my family, now to work on that with hubby's family. 


Save Money - we need to tone down our spending a bit as we have been spending a little too much due to me being gone & because we had some medical bills to pay for the wee one from when she had that horrible cough and had to go to immediate care in March. Deductibles stink! So no excessive spending. Less dinners out & no new books and things we don't really need.


I feel like I have my focus back. Lets hope it stays. 

How am I doing?

Well, lets see... I was doing fantastic. I was doing what Grandpa would have wanted. Moving foward with my life & taking care of the things I need to such as my family, myself & getting things done for our house to be built.

Was is the operative word, but I will be again. I lost it for a little bit today. Why you ask? It was over a sympathy card from my in-laws. I love them & love that they were thinking of me & my family, but it was just the reminder of the loss of this incredible man that brought me back to this place of sadness. Thankfully, Madison is napping so that I have some time to pull myself back together.

Hard Day Ahead

Today is going to be the hardest day. Today we lay Gramps to rest.

I've been ok since Monday. I mean there were the initial tears & sadness, but after seeing him suffer I was more relieved & was able to pull myself together quickly. There have been no more tears since then, but I awoke this morning feeling those tears build under the surface. I just know that the flood gates on those tears are going to open up at his funeral today & I will be a mess. I guess I shouldn't wear makeup today!

Last night was his wake. So many people showed up. I heard how loved he was by so many. I saw in the faces of those who lived in the old Chicago neighborhood we use to live in. To think he's been removed from there for 11 years & they still showed up to pay their respects to him. I think that says alot about my grandpa.

My Gramps meant the world to me. There is a lot a person could say about him. Here a few.

1. He was a hard worker - evident by the fact he worked 2 jobs for a long time.
2. He loved to camp & fish
3. He loved his family to no end
4. He dubbed himself Mr. Grumpy
5. He knew how to have fun! I mean he was a clown at one point!
6. He was proud of his military background & loved military history.
7. He was big on trains. He use to work on them as a brakemen & conductor.

I have so many good memories of the man & always  thought I would have so many more.

I remember being little & he worked nights so, he didn't get up until mid-day & I would run into his room, crawl up onto the bed and jump up & down until he woke up!
 I remember sitting on his lap Christmas morning & he would let me run the train under the tree.
 I remember a time I went fishing with him & we caught 2 fish, & put them in a bucket of water. We brought them back to the camper & left them outside in the bucket overnight. In the morning I got up and looked. There was only 1 fish left. Of course as a little girl & thought that the other fish ate it! He sat there an explained to me that another animal got the fish.
I remember him being pretty handy. He built a child size picnic table for us when we were little. I wish I had it now for my little girl!
I remember 4th of July parties in the backyard of the Chicago house & how much fun he had.
I remember on my wedding day how he told me he was proud of me & how he believed I chose the right man to marry.
He was so excited when he was told I was pregnant with Madison. Even until the very end he lite up whenever Madison was around. He loved her so & it showed.
Just a month ago he told me that I had picked a good man & he was glad I had him.


The only thing I wish was different was that I got to know him better. That I could tell more of his stories, so that a little more of him could live on. He only started telling us some of his stories in the last month or so.

Great Loss

Today is a day of great loss for my family. Today we said good bye to my grandfather. I sat at his bedside & held his hand as he took his last breathe. My mother & I tried to comfort him as he struggled to breathe. We sat there while the nurse checked for a pulse & when she told us he was gone. With our whole family surrounding him, we cried together & said good bye to him. It wasn't just his passing though, it was a life which, we just started learning about. He never talked about his past, until recently, so we are now losing out on really knowing him.

It was a day of great loss, but also of great relief. He has been in such pain for a little while due to the cancer, that it was a relief when he finally passed today because he isn't suffering any longer.

I know when people say "he's in a better place" that they are speaking the truth, however, it is annoying & irritates me at the same time. I don't know how to explain it but it does.

Rest in Peace Gramps!  Give Nanny a big ol' hug from me. Make sure you find the good places to go fishing! I love you & Miss you!

Feeling....

I have all sorts of crazy feeling lately. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop on everything. There has been so much negative happening lately, that I guess I just have that in my mind and am feeling that way.

I'm sure most of it is because we've been dealing so much with Grandpa & his illness. I really can't wait to get back to see him, but I dread it too. I just don't want him to be in pain anymore is the thing. I jump every time my phone rings thinking that its the phone call. I found a picture of him from about 7 years ago. He looked so different, so healthy. It made me cry for what my family & I was losing.

We did get a bad news phone call on Sunday, but it wasn't the one I was thinking it was going to be. Dan's uncle died. He had a long battle with cancer & lost that battle. Tomorrow we are going up to Dan's parents to attend the funeral.

We do have some good news. Today they are starting on the new house & digging the basement. This should be so very exciting for us, but all I can focus on is that we haven't had anyone look at the townhouse in over 2 weeks. I worry that we won't be able to sell it in time. I want this to be a happy time, but I am having such a hard time changing this attitude & thinking. I go back to read my last entry what seems like daily to get my attitude adjusted, but its doesn't seem to work. Maybe I need to get back into my workout mode too, to help deal with some of the stress. I have to find a way to break this feeling.

Positive Thinking is always welcome here! I need it more than ever right now!

Finding Blessings When Life Gets A Little Rough

Yes, even a midst all this horrible stuff my family is going through I can see the blessings. My Grandpa may be dying, but I am blessed to have had all the time I did with him & just to have him. I was blessed to have been fishing with him & camping with him & to have sat in his lap as a child and watched the train go around the Christmas tree.

I am blessed to have my wonderful husband too. My husband gave up a nice relaxing weekend to make that trip to see my Grandpa for Easter! He held my hand as I broke down in the truck on the drive home and I thought there is no one I would rather have next to me through this whole mess. If I want him with me through this mess I want him with me through every mess (trust me, I usually shut out everyone when things go bad). This man of mine told me that he doesn't care about going Turkey hunting if it meant I could go be with my family. Now to most that means nothing, but to a hunter's wife it means everything. If a hunter will give up a season of hunting for the someone else, then that is love, but not just any love. Its undying, eternal love & it means the world! Another wonderful blessing that has been shown to me in the middle of sadness.

My baby girl is a blessing in so many ways, but lately she had been what has been holding me together & keeping me from falling apart. If I didn't have her around, I'd probably spend every day in bed & not get out of it during this time, but she gets me up & makes me play & is just silly at exactly the times I need it. She will never know how much she has done for me during this time. I know a big job for someone who isn't even 2 yet, but she is so great at it.

My wonderfully large family! How could anyone not love them?! They are awesome. Even in this difficult time for all us they can still get together to laugh, joke & celebrate. They are the greatest. I can count on them for a good time any time.

My friends. How could I not love them like family? I don't know because many of them have prayed for my Grandpa & my family during this time. Many have called or text me to check in on me during this time as well. Some have even been able to distract me from what is going on with long phone conversations & even some visits.

There is one more blessing that I feel is coming out of this mess. Its relationships that are being repaired after so many years of hostility due to a mistake. I'm not going to say too much more, because I don't want to jinx it, but it seems as though this is happening within my large family & I hope it continues.

May you find blessings in your life when times are tough & you need them, just as I have found the blessings in mine when I needed them most.