Grief is funny

Grief is a funny thing. I can be all right for days or even weeks & then I am balling my eyes out.

Gramps has been on my mind today. I don't know why but he has.

Since it's Mother's Day I decided to call Grams to wish her a happy one. I know she is at church so I thought I would leave her a message since I will be at the in-laws all day & don't know when I would have another chance to call. Well Fail! I couldn't do it because the second the machine picks up all I can do is cry! It's still his voice! I wouldn't want that to change for anything but I had to hung up without leaving the message.

Between this and the cards I wonder if I will ever be fully ok.

Time to pull myself together as we will be pulling up to my in-laws house in minutes.

Update 3

Its been quite a while since I updated on my list of things that I want to do this year to improve for myself & for my family.


1. I want to begin and stay working out at least 2 times a week This leaves me at least Sat & Sun when Dan is home, if Madison isn't in a cooperative mood.  Work in some other type of exercise (balance ball/yoga/workout video)
2. I want to get the crappy food out of my house.
3. I want to get out of the house more often. (more fun stuff)
4. I want to be more patient with my husband. I have all the patience in the world for Madison, but not for Dan for some reason.
5. I want to stop letting people get to me.
6. I want to get my townhouse up on the market and my house built.
7. I want to find new things for Madison and I to do
8. I want to have baby #2 (however, some of the other things listed need to happen first)
9. I want get my husband to take a mini-vacay just the two of us. 
10. I want us to spend more time together as a family adding in fun stuff too.
11. I want us to spend more time with our extended families.
12. Save Money!!!


Well, lets just say I haven't done anything & have actually slipped backwards alot on #1.  Not that this is an excuse, but things kind of got away from me when Grandpa started getting bad & I was heading back to IL every 2 weeks for a week or more.  So in order to re-focus myself on what I want to do I thought I would re-post this list & get my butt back in gear. During these trips back I did a lot of eating out & crappy eating. On the plus side I never gained back any of the weight that I had lost! Sweet! Starting Monday I will get up & work out again!


All the crappy food is still out of my house.


I guess if you count all the traveling we've done then Madison & I have been getting out a lot more.


My husband has been amazing throughout all of this. He has held me when I cried, supported & encouraged me to spend more time with my side of the family, so I could be there. Now its my turn to be patient with him while he does some turkey hunting on the weekends.  Must really work on this! He deserves it!


I just don't have time for people who want to upset me or piss me off. So I think I can cross #5 off my list now. What do you think?


Get my house built? Well, yes, I think I'm doing that. There is a basement there now at least. Tonight I will find out if they have been able to do more since we've had so much rain.  We have picked out quite a bit of things. The shingles & doors we just picked out. Saturday we are going to pick out all the lighting & Tuesday is all the faucets/sinks, etc needed for the plumbing. We did all the flooring, cabinets and such a long time ago. I just can't believe how much we have done, but how much more we need to do!


Find new things for Madison & I to do. Well, we have been doing some coloring lately & she has been really into blowing bubbles, but with the summer fast approaching I'm sure we will find even more.


Baby #2 isn't even a thought lately. We really need to get our townhouse sold before we even think about trying, though I am jealous as one of my friends told me last night that she is pregnant with her second. 


Mini-vacay - so not going to happen! The house is too much of an expense & with all the money we've spent for me to drive back and forth from IL the last few months, I just don't see us being able to swing it this year. Maybe we can just get mine or dh's mom to Madison for a weekend or something so we can have a staycation alone.


Doing more things as a family just hasn't happened either as every other week Madison and I were in IL, but now that we will be home indefinitely we can work on that more. I know hubby will want to take the wee one fishing as often as possible! I will love that too!


More time with the extended family - I think we definitely have that covered with my family, now to work on that with hubby's family. 


Save Money - we need to tone down our spending a bit as we have been spending a little too much due to me being gone & because we had some medical bills to pay for the wee one from when she had that horrible cough and had to go to immediate care in March. Deductibles stink! So no excessive spending. Less dinners out & no new books and things we don't really need.


I feel like I have my focus back. Lets hope it stays. 

How am I doing?

Well, lets see... I was doing fantastic. I was doing what Grandpa would have wanted. Moving foward with my life & taking care of the things I need to such as my family, myself & getting things done for our house to be built.

Was is the operative word, but I will be again. I lost it for a little bit today. Why you ask? It was over a sympathy card from my in-laws. I love them & love that they were thinking of me & my family, but it was just the reminder of the loss of this incredible man that brought me back to this place of sadness. Thankfully, Madison is napping so that I have some time to pull myself back together.