Putting it out there- I have PPD

Well, one of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that I would end up with postpartum depression (PPD).

I did great after Madison was born. Didn't get PPD. It was a huge relief. I figured I was safe & wouldn't get it after having any other babies.

I got pregnant with Paityn . The fear of PPD creeped in, but I kept it at bay by reminding myself that I didn't get it with Madison so I was in the clear. After having Paityn relief washed over me because I was happy. The happiest I have ever been. I had 2 healthy happy girls. Then at the end of September it was like someone flipped a switch. I had no warning. It hit me. I was not myself. I started yelling a lot. My poor baby, Madison took the brunt of it mostly because of her 3 yr old antics & not behaving. I feel so awful for how much I yelled at her. I thought it was not enough sleep or just the behavior was wearing my patience so thin, but then this weekend she cried because she thought I was going to be mad at her because her daddy wasn't hungry for lunch. That's what did it. I knew when Dan told me that, there had to be something else at work. So I vowed to talk to my Doctor about it.

Today was my appointment. I dreaded this day because she could tell me there was nothing wrong with me which would mean I was just plain old mean to my baby for no reason at all or she would tell me I had PPD (not an excuse for being mean to my baby & trust me I am having a hard time forgiving myself for all the yelling & how much it hurt her).

Well, PPD was my answer. Its mild, but still being put on antidepressants. Not what I wanted by any means, but its treatable. It can be overcome. I am still trying to wrap my head around it, but I will get there.

In the meantime I have a few questions for the Dr about the meds before I start them. I am also going to make it all up to Madison. I don't care how many movies & TV shows or crafts or whatever she wants to do, I have to do to make her at least forget the mean mommy who yells. For the first time in a long time she snuggled up with me & told me I was the best. 

2014 Resolutions

2014 Resolutions or Maybe I should call them TO DO List instead. I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to make something a habit. So if I can get through 21 days it will be a habit instead of a resolution, right?

What started this, this late into 2014? Well, my 3 yr old telling me she was fat, that's what did it! So here we go.

2014 TO DO LIST
1. Stop calling myself fat & start thinking of myself in better terms like healthy!
2. BE HEALTHY!

• Eat Right
• MOVE, MOVE, MOVE
• Lose some weight

3. Show my girls that anything can be done when you put your mind to it!
4. Work on my relationship with my husband by doing more together (it seems like we aren't connecting on a daily basis because of busy schedules)
5. Find the patience that I once had for my 3 yr old & use it more often!
6. Stop yelling!
7. Get our Electrician back here to finish the electrical work in the basement!
8. Find a way to keep Bailey from running away.
9. Menu plan & shop accordingly
10. Save, save, save!
11. Sell the baby stuff! We aren't having anymore so its time to start getting rid of it & make more room in the house.
12. Make Paityn & Madison's blankets that I have been wanting to do.
13. Spend lots of time outside this Spring/Summer/Fall with the girls (since Paityn will be older & hopefully toddling around by then)
14 Spend more time playing play doh & painting & all the messy things I have been avoiding because I don't want to clean it up.
15. Involve Madison more in chores & making dinner.


I can do this! I can do this! 21 days to make some good habits!