Today is going to be the hardest day. Today we lay Gramps to rest.
I've been ok since Monday. I mean there were the initial tears & sadness, but after seeing him suffer I was more relieved & was able to pull myself together quickly. There have been no more tears since then, but I awoke this morning feeling those tears build under the surface. I just know that the flood gates on those tears are going to open up at his funeral today & I will be a mess. I guess I shouldn't wear makeup today!
Last night was his wake. So many people showed up. I heard how loved he was by so many. I saw in the faces of those who lived in the old Chicago neighborhood we use to live in. To think he's been removed from there for 11 years & they still showed up to pay their respects to him. I think that says alot about my grandpa.
My Gramps meant the world to me. There is a lot a person could say about him. Here a few.
1. He was a hard worker - evident by the fact he worked 2 jobs for a long time.
2. He loved to camp & fish
3. He loved his family to no end
4. He dubbed himself Mr. Grumpy
5. He knew how to have fun! I mean he was a clown at one point!
6. He was proud of his military background & loved military history.
7. He was big on trains. He use to work on them as a brakemen & conductor.
I have so many good memories of the man & always thought I would have so many more.
I remember being little & he worked nights so, he didn't get up until mid-day & I would run into his room, crawl up onto the bed and jump up & down until he woke up!
I remember sitting on his lap Christmas morning & he would let me run the train under the tree.
I remember a time I went fishing with him & we caught 2 fish, & put them in a bucket of water. We brought them back to the camper & left them outside in the bucket overnight. In the morning I got up and looked. There was only 1 fish left. Of course as a little girl & thought that the other fish ate it! He sat there an explained to me that another animal got the fish.
I remember him being pretty handy. He built a child size picnic table for us when we were little. I wish I had it now for my little girl!
I remember 4th of July parties in the backyard of the Chicago house & how much fun he had.
I remember on my wedding day how he told me he was proud of me & how he believed I chose the right man to marry.
He was so excited when he was told I was pregnant with Madison. Even until the very end he lite up whenever Madison was around. He loved her so & it showed.
Just a month ago he told me that I had picked a good man & he was glad I had him.
The only thing I wish was different was that I got to know him better. That I could tell more of his stories, so that a little more of him could live on. He only started telling us some of his stories in the last month or so.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Great Loss
Today is a day of great loss for my family. Today we said good bye to my grandfather. I sat at his bedside & held his hand as he took his last breathe. My mother & I tried to comfort him as he struggled to breathe. We sat there while the nurse checked for a pulse & when she told us he was gone. With our whole family surrounding him, we cried together & said good bye to him. It wasn't just his passing though, it was a life which, we just started learning about. He never talked about his past, until recently, so we are now losing out on really knowing him.
It was a day of great loss, but also of great relief. He has been in such pain for a little while due to the cancer, that it was a relief when he finally passed today because he isn't suffering any longer.
I know when people say "he's in a better place" that they are speaking the truth, however, it is annoying & irritates me at the same time. I don't know how to explain it but it does.
Rest in Peace Gramps! Give Nanny a big ol' hug from me. Make sure you find the good places to go fishing! I love you & Miss you!
It was a day of great loss, but also of great relief. He has been in such pain for a little while due to the cancer, that it was a relief when he finally passed today because he isn't suffering any longer.
I know when people say "he's in a better place" that they are speaking the truth, however, it is annoying & irritates me at the same time. I don't know how to explain it but it does.
Rest in Peace Gramps! Give Nanny a big ol' hug from me. Make sure you find the good places to go fishing! I love you & Miss you!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Feeling....
I have all sorts of crazy feeling lately. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop on everything. There has been so much negative happening lately, that I guess I just have that in my mind and am feeling that way.
I'm sure most of it is because we've been dealing so much with Grandpa & his illness. I really can't wait to get back to see him, but I dread it too. I just don't want him to be in pain anymore is the thing. I jump every time my phone rings thinking that its the phone call. I found a picture of him from about 7 years ago. He looked so different, so healthy. It made me cry for what my family & I was losing.
We did get a bad news phone call on Sunday, but it wasn't the one I was thinking it was going to be. Dan's uncle died. He had a long battle with cancer & lost that battle. Tomorrow we are going up to Dan's parents to attend the funeral.
We do have some good news. Today they are starting on the new house & digging the basement. This should be so very exciting for us, but all I can focus on is that we haven't had anyone look at the townhouse in over 2 weeks. I worry that we won't be able to sell it in time. I want this to be a happy time, but I am having such a hard time changing this attitude & thinking. I go back to read my last entry what seems like daily to get my attitude adjusted, but its doesn't seem to work. Maybe I need to get back into my workout mode too, to help deal with some of the stress. I have to find a way to break this feeling.
Positive Thinking is always welcome here! I need it more than ever right now!
I'm sure most of it is because we've been dealing so much with Grandpa & his illness. I really can't wait to get back to see him, but I dread it too. I just don't want him to be in pain anymore is the thing. I jump every time my phone rings thinking that its the phone call. I found a picture of him from about 7 years ago. He looked so different, so healthy. It made me cry for what my family & I was losing.
We did get a bad news phone call on Sunday, but it wasn't the one I was thinking it was going to be. Dan's uncle died. He had a long battle with cancer & lost that battle. Tomorrow we are going up to Dan's parents to attend the funeral.
We do have some good news. Today they are starting on the new house & digging the basement. This should be so very exciting for us, but all I can focus on is that we haven't had anyone look at the townhouse in over 2 weeks. I worry that we won't be able to sell it in time. I want this to be a happy time, but I am having such a hard time changing this attitude & thinking. I go back to read my last entry what seems like daily to get my attitude adjusted, but its doesn't seem to work. Maybe I need to get back into my workout mode too, to help deal with some of the stress. I have to find a way to break this feeling.
Positive Thinking is always welcome here! I need it more than ever right now!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Finding Blessings When Life Gets A Little Rough
Yes, even a midst all this horrible stuff my family is going through I can see the blessings. My Grandpa may be dying, but I am blessed to have had all the time I did with him & just to have him. I was blessed to have been fishing with him & camping with him & to have sat in his lap as a child and watched the train go around the Christmas tree.
I am blessed to have my wonderful husband too. My husband gave up a nice relaxing weekend to make that trip to see my Grandpa for Easter! He held my hand as I broke down in the truck on the drive home and I thought there is no one I would rather have next to me through this whole mess. If I want him with me through this mess I want him with me through every mess (trust me, I usually shut out everyone when things go bad). This man of mine told me that he doesn't care about going Turkey hunting if it meant I could go be with my family. Now to most that means nothing, but to a hunter's wife it means everything. If a hunter will give up a season of hunting for the someone else, then that is love, but not just any love. Its undying, eternal love & it means the world! Another wonderful blessing that has been shown to me in the middle of sadness.
My baby girl is a blessing in so many ways, but lately she had been what has been holding me together & keeping me from falling apart. If I didn't have her around, I'd probably spend every day in bed & not get out of it during this time, but she gets me up & makes me play & is just silly at exactly the times I need it. She will never know how much she has done for me during this time. I know a big job for someone who isn't even 2 yet, but she is so great at it.
My wonderfully large family! How could anyone not love them?! They are awesome. Even in this difficult time for all us they can still get together to laugh, joke & celebrate. They are the greatest. I can count on them for a good time any time.
My friends. How could I not love them like family? I don't know because many of them have prayed for my Grandpa & my family during this time. Many have called or text me to check in on me during this time as well. Some have even been able to distract me from what is going on with long phone conversations & even some visits.
There is one more blessing that I feel is coming out of this mess. Its relationships that are being repaired after so many years of hostility due to a mistake. I'm not going to say too much more, because I don't want to jinx it, but it seems as though this is happening within my large family & I hope it continues.
May you find blessings in your life when times are tough & you need them, just as I have found the blessings in mine when I needed them most.
I am blessed to have my wonderful husband too. My husband gave up a nice relaxing weekend to make that trip to see my Grandpa for Easter! He held my hand as I broke down in the truck on the drive home and I thought there is no one I would rather have next to me through this whole mess. If I want him with me through this mess I want him with me through every mess (trust me, I usually shut out everyone when things go bad). This man of mine told me that he doesn't care about going Turkey hunting if it meant I could go be with my family. Now to most that means nothing, but to a hunter's wife it means everything. If a hunter will give up a season of hunting for the someone else, then that is love, but not just any love. Its undying, eternal love & it means the world! Another wonderful blessing that has been shown to me in the middle of sadness.
My baby girl is a blessing in so many ways, but lately she had been what has been holding me together & keeping me from falling apart. If I didn't have her around, I'd probably spend every day in bed & not get out of it during this time, but she gets me up & makes me play & is just silly at exactly the times I need it. She will never know how much she has done for me during this time. I know a big job for someone who isn't even 2 yet, but she is so great at it.
My wonderfully large family! How could anyone not love them?! They are awesome. Even in this difficult time for all us they can still get together to laugh, joke & celebrate. They are the greatest. I can count on them for a good time any time.
My friends. How could I not love them like family? I don't know because many of them have prayed for my Grandpa & my family during this time. Many have called or text me to check in on me during this time as well. Some have even been able to distract me from what is going on with long phone conversations & even some visits.
There is one more blessing that I feel is coming out of this mess. Its relationships that are being repaired after so many years of hostility due to a mistake. I'm not going to say too much more, because I don't want to jinx it, but it seems as though this is happening within my large family & I hope it continues.
May you find blessings in your life when times are tough & you need them, just as I have found the blessings in mine when I needed them most.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Easter Weekend
What a crazy weekend it was!
Dan had off work on Friday so we tried to take the wee one fishing. She just loved reeling in the bobber! There were no fish to be caught though. It was fine because she had fun. The check engine light went on in my truck on the way home, so I called to get it in on Saturday morning all the while wondering if our weekend was going to be shot because of this.
Saturday, I sat at the dealership for about 3 hours while they figured out what was wrong with my truck & fixed it. A spark plug & an ignition coil! That was it. I raced home, we fed the wee one & packed all of us up including the dogs. We went to spend the night at Dan's parents & go to his aunt's surprise party that night. It was a blast to see his family. So many of his cousin's were in town too! We closed the bar down after his wonderful parents took Madison home & put her to bed.
We got up Sunday morning, had breakfast & then took off to drop the dogs at home. Once the dog's were nestled snuggly in their crates in the basement we hopped in the truck & drove out to Belvidere, IL to have Easter with my family & celebrate Grandpa's birthday. I could tell since the last time I saw him he had deteriorated. He was in so much pain but tried so hard to stay with us for those couple of hours. It broke my heart to see him like that, but it brought him joy to see everyone together. When they took him up to bed, I waited a bit & then went up to say goodbye to him. He told me that he was worried about us, so I had to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told him that he didn't need to worry about all of us. That we would take care of each other & we would all be fine. I told him it was okay for him to go if he was ready. He just looked at me and told me he loved me. I gave him a hug & kiss & told him that I loved him too.
Dan had off work on Friday so we tried to take the wee one fishing. She just loved reeling in the bobber! There were no fish to be caught though. It was fine because she had fun. The check engine light went on in my truck on the way home, so I called to get it in on Saturday morning all the while wondering if our weekend was going to be shot because of this.
Saturday, I sat at the dealership for about 3 hours while they figured out what was wrong with my truck & fixed it. A spark plug & an ignition coil! That was it. I raced home, we fed the wee one & packed all of us up including the dogs. We went to spend the night at Dan's parents & go to his aunt's surprise party that night. It was a blast to see his family. So many of his cousin's were in town too! We closed the bar down after his wonderful parents took Madison home & put her to bed.
We got up Sunday morning, had breakfast & then took off to drop the dogs at home. Once the dog's were nestled snuggly in their crates in the basement we hopped in the truck & drove out to Belvidere, IL to have Easter with my family & celebrate Grandpa's birthday. I could tell since the last time I saw him he had deteriorated. He was in so much pain but tried so hard to stay with us for those couple of hours. It broke my heart to see him like that, but it brought him joy to see everyone together. When they took him up to bed, I waited a bit & then went up to say goodbye to him. He told me that he was worried about us, so I had to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told him that he didn't need to worry about all of us. That we would take care of each other & we would all be fine. I told him it was okay for him to go if he was ready. He just looked at me and told me he loved me. I gave him a hug & kiss & told him that I loved him too.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Drained
This has been one rough week. I'm emotionally, physically & mentally exhausted. I spent 4 days either at the hospital or nursing home with my Grandpa.
While he was in the hospital they had him in isolation & we had to gown & glove up. It was a little weird. I found out things were worse than what I was told before I got there. I was given the full story after I got to the hospital on Tuesday. Things are literally day to day, but he is doing better now. We had him transferred to a nursing home Thursday. He is being well taken care of now & I know he is in good hands.
Friday, I went up by myself with Madison & took care of some things for grandpa to make sure he was feeling better about where he was. Its a little saddening that he will never get to go home again except for a visit if he feels up to it. While there he had some major pain so we got them to call the doctor in to up his pain medicine. The Dr said that he would make Gramps comfortable & give him medicine whenever he wanted.
I was banned from going this weekend by my mom because I needed a break & Gramps wants to know that our lives are stopping for him. I went & watched my friend's son play in Beauty & the Beast Jr at his school. It was a good time. Mom took Madison today so I could go to lunch with another friend & do some shopping.
I feel really good about Gramps, so I'm packing up in the morning and heading home, of course with a stop to see Gramps before continuing on home. I have a few things that need to take care of there & then I'll probably head back in a week or so. We need to get the lot sold to our builder so we can break ground.
Tomorrow is not something I am looking forward to. Its going to be really hard to say goodbye to him when its time to leave. Only, because I'm not sure when I'll be back or if he will still be here when I am back. I need to make sure I get in a few extra hugs! I'm hoping I can get all the way home before the crush of tears hit me because I honestly do not want to have to pull over to pull myself together.
While he was in the hospital they had him in isolation & we had to gown & glove up. It was a little weird. I found out things were worse than what I was told before I got there. I was given the full story after I got to the hospital on Tuesday. Things are literally day to day, but he is doing better now. We had him transferred to a nursing home Thursday. He is being well taken care of now & I know he is in good hands.
Friday, I went up by myself with Madison & took care of some things for grandpa to make sure he was feeling better about where he was. Its a little saddening that he will never get to go home again except for a visit if he feels up to it. While there he had some major pain so we got them to call the doctor in to up his pain medicine. The Dr said that he would make Gramps comfortable & give him medicine whenever he wanted.
I was banned from going this weekend by my mom because I needed a break & Gramps wants to know that our lives are stopping for him. I went & watched my friend's son play in Beauty & the Beast Jr at his school. It was a good time. Mom took Madison today so I could go to lunch with another friend & do some shopping.
I feel really good about Gramps, so I'm packing up in the morning and heading home, of course with a stop to see Gramps before continuing on home. I have a few things that need to take care of there & then I'll probably head back in a week or so. We need to get the lot sold to our builder so we can break ground.
Tomorrow is not something I am looking forward to. Its going to be really hard to say goodbye to him when its time to leave. Only, because I'm not sure when I'll be back or if he will still be here when I am back. I need to make sure I get in a few extra hugs! I'm hoping I can get all the way home before the crush of tears hit me because I honestly do not want to have to pull over to pull myself together.
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