Home, as in the place where I grew up. I love going to see my parents and watching the joy on my mom's face as she takes Madison out of my arms once Madison is released from her carseat. At least she gave me a quick hug and kiss before wisking my baby into the house for some play time! My dad's expression as he looks at the truck loaded up of stuff and always says "what are you moving in?" I love that my mom takes on all the duties of baby because she just wants as much time with Madison as possible. I don't blame her at all.
The problem I have when going home, isn't anyone or any place in particular. Its that as I drive the familiar roads all these memories come flooding back. Most are good memories, some are bad. What do these memories have to say about me?
The one that came back to me the strongest this time was of an ex boyfriend, more specifically my first love. He was a good guy until he wasn't, but that's not the point. Anyway. I was a freshman in college during spring semester. He came to NIU to surprise me. I just remember getting off the elevator and him standing there with a rose for me. It was a great surprise. I don't know if it was the same time, but this came back to me too. It was Easter weekend and he came to pick me up, brought me back to our hometown and I stayed the weekend with him at his parents house. I loved his family, like they were my own. If I had known then what I know now, I would have gone with them to church that Sunday morning. His mom gave me a glass bunny candle holder that Easter. It was one of the sweetest things. I think I still have it packed away in a box of all my candle stuff.
Another memory that came back was Friday night bowling! It feels like we went every Friday night for the longest time. Whenever I came back from college, my friend Christine and I would spend Friday night at the bowling alley. It was the place to go to see almost everyone we went to high school with!
Then the Christmas break memory. Oh god! I was so in love with him then. I ran into the first love at a pool hall, when I was out with another guy. That other guy went out to the car and I was saying bye to our friends and when I started walking out this pool cue stopped me. As I turned to see who it was, I couldn't catch my breathe. It had always been that way with him. It was him and the beginning of us getting back together.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
9 months and counting!
As my sweet little girl rests her sleepy head in her crib tonight, I am thinking back to the day of her birth. I don't know if its just the fact that she is 9 months old today, or maybe I long for the days of her being so tiny. How crazy that day was. I always knew deep down that I was going to be going in to the hospital in the middle of the night. She didn't disappoint has I had to call my husband at 2 am to tell him my water broke and have him and my mom drive 3 1/2 hours here so early only to have to wait until late that night to have her come into the world.
Yep, she has always done everything in her own time. Roll over, sure, but then I won't do it but a handful of times until I'm 8 months old. Teeth? Sure I'll get 2 at a time then wait 3 months to get 2 more! Crawl? No thanks, I can scoot around on my butt! Sleep?! Only when I want to and not when you want or need me to!
She is definitely my daughter. She is already showing a wonderful personality and oh boy is it a big one! As we learned at her 9 month pictures about a week and a half ago. She's starting to show her independence when she plays and doesn't want anyone near her or her toys, though she can share if she is feeling in the mood to let you play.
She is smart. I bought her a little baby rocking chair. I sat her in it and the first thing she did was rock the chair! I never showed her thats what the chair does. She loves to stand. You can hold your hands out and she will grab them and pull herself to a stand. She's even pulled herself up using the coffee table. She would rather stand there for hours than sit and play with her toys...unless Maggie is right there because she loves Maggie!
I'm in awe at how much a 9 month old baby knows and does! Its crazy!
Yep, she has always done everything in her own time. Roll over, sure, but then I won't do it but a handful of times until I'm 8 months old. Teeth? Sure I'll get 2 at a time then wait 3 months to get 2 more! Crawl? No thanks, I can scoot around on my butt! Sleep?! Only when I want to and not when you want or need me to!
She is definitely my daughter. She is already showing a wonderful personality and oh boy is it a big one! As we learned at her 9 month pictures about a week and a half ago. She's starting to show her independence when she plays and doesn't want anyone near her or her toys, though she can share if she is feeling in the mood to let you play.
She is smart. I bought her a little baby rocking chair. I sat her in it and the first thing she did was rock the chair! I never showed her thats what the chair does. She loves to stand. You can hold your hands out and she will grab them and pull herself to a stand. She's even pulled herself up using the coffee table. She would rather stand there for hours than sit and play with her toys...unless Maggie is right there because she loves Maggie!
I'm in awe at how much a 9 month old baby knows and does! Its crazy!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Can Time Move a Little Slower?
Its not that I don't want my little girl to grow up, because I do and I look forward to all the wonderful things I'll get to watch her do. All I want is for time to move a little slower so I can revel in all of her milestones. Just last night she scooted herself on her butt over to the coffee table and tried to pull herself up. She almost had it too, but her feet were too far under the table. I love that I got to be here to cheer her on and encourage her. When I moved her back, she went right back to the table and tried again. She is determined. First thing this morning when I set her down on the floor to play surrounded with her toys, guess where she ended up. Yep, right back at the table.
She is still trying to figure out how to get on those knees so she can be even more mobile. Oh, boy is life going to get crazy around here soon. That mobility is just going to make me work harder.
She's a week from being 9 months old! I'm not quite sure where all this time went, but soon enough she will be walking around here and it will feel like she was never, not mobile. Lets not forget the talking. Oh, how I love the babbling and the mama, dada, baba talk, but she will soon be approaching knowing and speaking more words. I really look forward to this, but I'm enjoying the now with her and would love to enjoy it for a little while longer.
So can we please have time move a little slower?
She is still trying to figure out how to get on those knees so she can be even more mobile. Oh, boy is life going to get crazy around here soon. That mobility is just going to make me work harder.
She's a week from being 9 months old! I'm not quite sure where all this time went, but soon enough she will be walking around here and it will feel like she was never, not mobile. Lets not forget the talking. Oh, how I love the babbling and the mama, dada, baba talk, but she will soon be approaching knowing and speaking more words. I really look forward to this, but I'm enjoying the now with her and would love to enjoy it for a little while longer.
So can we please have time move a little slower?
Friday, March 4, 2011
A little more looking back
So I guess I really just need to get all that off my chest because I know feel so much better. I feel as though this big huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Will it stay off of them? Or will it come back and weigh even heavier on them? I don't know, but for now I'm greatful that I had an outlet for all that stuff. I've been holding it all in for so long. It wasn't because I didn't have the support of friends or family to put it on. I guess, I just didn't want to be a burden to them. I didn't want them to feel ..... I don't know..... pity or sorry for me because of what I went through because honestly I think I had a great childhood, minus this little bit of bad stuff.
My mom once said she wished she could have given my brother and I a better Dad. She did. She just happened to marry him when I was about 12 and he came along with 3 new siblings (added bonuses).
I admire my mom for all she has done for us. When we were little and she was basically raising us on her own she worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time. She would go without food, so that we could have more food. Sure, we ate a lot of soup and sandwiches, but she did the best she could. She moved us from the city to a suburb that was safer when she could. She supported us through the good times and the bad. She fought for us, for our education, for our health. She battled every day to make sure we did better and had better. Sure, we fought and argued and didn't get along, but thats because she cared enough to tell me I was wrong and to show me what was right. Maybe at the time I didn't understand and cursed her under my breath, but I didn't see the big picture. She was trying to protect me from making the mistakes she made. Sure she was tough, I mean come on the woman would go into my parent/teacher conferences and ask my teachers what I could do to get my A up to an A+. All she wanted was for me to be the best me possible and have more opportunities in life than she did. I thank God that she did all of this. You, know why? Because if she hadn't, I probably would have ended up pregnant at 16, not going to college and struggling to survive, so I thank her for everything.
My mom once said she wished she could have given my brother and I a better Dad. She did. She just happened to marry him when I was about 12 and he came along with 3 new siblings (added bonuses).
I admire my mom for all she has done for us. When we were little and she was basically raising us on her own she worked 2 or 3 jobs at a time. She would go without food, so that we could have more food. Sure, we ate a lot of soup and sandwiches, but she did the best she could. She moved us from the city to a suburb that was safer when she could. She supported us through the good times and the bad. She fought for us, for our education, for our health. She battled every day to make sure we did better and had better. Sure, we fought and argued and didn't get along, but thats because she cared enough to tell me I was wrong and to show me what was right. Maybe at the time I didn't understand and cursed her under my breath, but I didn't see the big picture. She was trying to protect me from making the mistakes she made. Sure she was tough, I mean come on the woman would go into my parent/teacher conferences and ask my teachers what I could do to get my A up to an A+. All she wanted was for me to be the best me possible and have more opportunities in life than she did. I thank God that she did all of this. You, know why? Because if she hadn't, I probably would have ended up pregnant at 16, not going to college and struggling to survive, so I thank her for everything.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wish the Past Would Stop Haunting Me 4
So we went back to court. This time I went with for a couple of them. The last time I went in the judge gave us some time to come to our own outcome. Well, Mom and her lawyer went into the jury room to talk and Bio-father and his lawyer stayed in the courtroom. I was sitting in a row, when he decided to verbally assault me with an officer of the court right there. He told me I was basically a money-grubbing bitch, that I was just like my mother. Well, it was a very emotional day as it was, so I got up and walked out of the court room, mostly because I wasn't sure what I would have done if I had stayed there any longer listening to him. Mom could have ended up bailing me out of jail. All the emotions hit me as I walked out of that room and ended up becoming tears. Mom tore out of the court room after me. She wanted to know what happen, but I would not tell her. I know I would have been bailing her out if I had told her. Truth - I wanted to tell her. I wanted to see her rip him down to shreds, to beat the crap out of him right then and there. I imagine sometimes that she did. I dried up my eyes, washed up my face and walked back into that room with my head held high because there was no way I was giving him the satisfaction of thinking he hurt me.
We walked right into the jury room. I cleaned up my face some more in the bathroom there and you could hear me swearing like a trucker. Mom never said a word about my swearing either. We had the door cracked open and I'm sure he could hear me saying everything. How he wasn't really my dad but that my step father was. I felt liberated that day. When my mom's lawyer went out to talk to him and his lawyer about a deal, the bio-father told the lawyer he would make the checks out to my mom because I was no longer his daughter. He had the nerve to disown me?! HAHA! Too bad I had disowned him 2 years earlier! They came back with an offer of $1000 less than what my tution for the next 2 years would be. Mom was mulling it over and asked me what I thought. I told her I'd be happy to pay the extra thousand if she would just get him out of our lives forever and this deal would do it. It would still be paid by the semester and he was already a semester behind, so he needed to make a payment during the summer to catch up. She took the deal! After that last payment in just a year and a half he would be out of our lives for good!
I counted the days. I jumped for joy when it came! I never had to hear or see from him again. 2002 was a great year! It was the best to know I never had to deal with him again.
It took me years, but in 2009, I wanted to talk to my cousins. We were kids when everything happened and I wanted a relationship with them. They didn't do anything wrong. I found one and then ended up in touch with more. I even went to go visit the first one I found on the condition that he would not be involved. She took me to see my grandma too. It was really nice being able to see her and talk to a few others. My cousin though wanted to know how I felt about my bio-father and I explained to her what happen all those years ago. She understood or at least it seemed that way at the time. She told me that if I ever wanted to see or talk to him, she would make it happen for me. Truth be told, I thought about it at the time. I was just a couple months from being married and moving to Iowa, so small part of me wanted to talk to him but an even bigger part of me still wanted nothing to do with him. They told me he had changed. That he no longer drank, but never went to rehab or AA, so its just their word. I want to believe that they were telling me the truth, but that family sticks up for each other and lies for each other, so I wanted proof. I needed proof, I'll never get it though. I have to be fine with that.
I tried to stay in touch with my cousin, but I guess her sister (the one who said I was just all about money and what not) turned her against me and I have not heard from her since shortly after I got married. Oh, well. I guess I was not meant to have any contact with that side of the family. I have had to be fine with this.
Now that I have my daughter, I have closed the door on that side of the family. It makes me sad that there are so many people she will never know, but I have to protect her from the hurt I suffered because of them.
I am no longer angry with any of them. I feel sorry for them. They made the choices that they made so many times to not have a relationship or have contact with us. Now, they missed out on my brother and myself and are now missing out on the cousin, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, great-niece in my daughter. They will never know her laughter, smile or voice. My daughter, thank god, will be surrounded by love from all sides. She will know, my wonderful Dad (step-father) as her Grandfather.
This all has helped me become who I am. It will hopefully make me a better mother and has already made me a better person.
We walked right into the jury room. I cleaned up my face some more in the bathroom there and you could hear me swearing like a trucker. Mom never said a word about my swearing either. We had the door cracked open and I'm sure he could hear me saying everything. How he wasn't really my dad but that my step father was. I felt liberated that day. When my mom's lawyer went out to talk to him and his lawyer about a deal, the bio-father told the lawyer he would make the checks out to my mom because I was no longer his daughter. He had the nerve to disown me?! HAHA! Too bad I had disowned him 2 years earlier! They came back with an offer of $1000 less than what my tution for the next 2 years would be. Mom was mulling it over and asked me what I thought. I told her I'd be happy to pay the extra thousand if she would just get him out of our lives forever and this deal would do it. It would still be paid by the semester and he was already a semester behind, so he needed to make a payment during the summer to catch up. She took the deal! After that last payment in just a year and a half he would be out of our lives for good!
I counted the days. I jumped for joy when it came! I never had to hear or see from him again. 2002 was a great year! It was the best to know I never had to deal with him again.
It took me years, but in 2009, I wanted to talk to my cousins. We were kids when everything happened and I wanted a relationship with them. They didn't do anything wrong. I found one and then ended up in touch with more. I even went to go visit the first one I found on the condition that he would not be involved. She took me to see my grandma too. It was really nice being able to see her and talk to a few others. My cousin though wanted to know how I felt about my bio-father and I explained to her what happen all those years ago. She understood or at least it seemed that way at the time. She told me that if I ever wanted to see or talk to him, she would make it happen for me. Truth be told, I thought about it at the time. I was just a couple months from being married and moving to Iowa, so small part of me wanted to talk to him but an even bigger part of me still wanted nothing to do with him. They told me he had changed. That he no longer drank, but never went to rehab or AA, so its just their word. I want to believe that they were telling me the truth, but that family sticks up for each other and lies for each other, so I wanted proof. I needed proof, I'll never get it though. I have to be fine with that.
I tried to stay in touch with my cousin, but I guess her sister (the one who said I was just all about money and what not) turned her against me and I have not heard from her since shortly after I got married. Oh, well. I guess I was not meant to have any contact with that side of the family. I have had to be fine with this.
Now that I have my daughter, I have closed the door on that side of the family. It makes me sad that there are so many people she will never know, but I have to protect her from the hurt I suffered because of them.
I am no longer angry with any of them. I feel sorry for them. They made the choices that they made so many times to not have a relationship or have contact with us. Now, they missed out on my brother and myself and are now missing out on the cousin, granddaughter, great-granddaughter, great-niece in my daughter. They will never know her laughter, smile or voice. My daughter, thank god, will be surrounded by love from all sides. She will know, my wonderful Dad (step-father) as her Grandfather.
This all has helped me become who I am. It will hopefully make me a better mother and has already made me a better person.
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