How do you???

How do you say good bye?

Yesterday I was told that its time to come say goodbye. He's given up fighting & is ready to go. Mom said they are going to move him to hospice which means he will never go home again. She said he seems at peace with this decision & wants to just go to sleep. I don't blame him, but at the same time I'm not ready to say goodbye. The Dr said that he could stay with us for another 2-3 months but that was being really positive. The Dr told her that usually after they discover a tumor in the brain with his type of cancer its usually only 45 days. He's well past that. Mom doesn't think he will make it to Easter based on what she saw of him this weekend.

After hearing all this I've cried & screamed. I've pleaded with God. I've thrown things & punched pillows. None of it has helped my grief. After all this I pulled myself together & hugged & kissed my daughter & husband. I gave my daughter a bath. These things, as normal as they are, were the things that helped. Why? I believe its because Grandpa wouldn't have wanted me to be doing the first things & would have wanted me to do the normal things. He always wanted the normal & didn't want us to fuss over him.

I'm trying to be at peace with Grandpa's decision. I accept it because its what he wants, but I have to find peace within myself to be ok with this. I'm still walking around in a fog, but who wouldn't be. I know he will see Nanny again.

I'm packing up & heading out to say my goodbyes in the next couple of days. I have to make sure the truck is road ready & safe. I also need to make sure that my absents isn't going to hold up the building of our house because I know if it was, Grandpa would not be happy with my leaving.

So then the next thing is how do I say goodbye? I don't know how to say good bye to him though. I want to give him a hug & kiss & tell him I love him. That is all I have. How do you tell a man that has been there from the day you were born goodbye? I have so many memories of him & had hoped for so many more. I remember always wanting to sit in his lap as a child. Spending weekends at the campgrounds with him & Grandma. Swimming in the pool, going fishing, playing in the park, chasing toads & frogs & sitting at our little kid size picnic table that he made for us. I remember when I was little & I use to wake him so he could go to work. I remember when I use to beep his nose & he honked like a goose. So how do I tell him how much I appreciate the time we spent together & how much I loved every minute of it?

I wish

I wish I knew what was happening with grandpa. I wish I knew that I could get there to say goodbye if its his time. I wish I could reach though the phone & give him a hug & kiss. I wish I could take him out fishing one more time & sit on a dock or the edge of the river with him even if we caught nothing. I wish I had a way to get to him in seconds instead of hours. Can someone make me one of those teleport things they had on Star Trek?

Hopefully I'll have more answers later today since Mom is going to sit with him again in order to talk to the Dr about what is going on.

I called Mom yesterday to feel him out in hopes that he might take a phone call from me. She was sitting with him. She told me he had just refused a call from my Aunt, but luckily enough for me he accepted the phone from Mom & talked to me. I could hear so much in his voice. I could hear he was tired & out of it.His words are what got me. I told him that I loved him & I got "I love you too. You know that, right?" It was as though he was trying to say goodbye without saying goodbye.

I am not ready for him to leave us & I don't think I will ever be, but I do want it to be on his time & done his way. My only comfort is that he will see Nanny again and no longer be in pain.

Please if you pray, pray for him & our family to find peace in all of this.

I'm not sure what to think at this moment in time. I got a text message today that Grandpa went back into the hospital. I called to find out what was going on & his blood counts were down & he isn't eating.

I was told to pack an emergency bag in case I need to leave quickly. I got the impression that this could really be the start of the end. That he may be giving up the fight.

I don't know how to feel. I obviously never wanted to lose him & I will never truly be ready to lose him, but I want him to go on his terms.

That is really all I got, I guess I need to process this more.

3 years down & a lifetime to go

On this date 3 years ago, I married my wonderful husband. It was one of the best days of my life. I never once had cold feet beforehand. I never questioned my decision to marry the man because I've always known that he was the one for me. He loves and supports me like no one else ever has. He may not be the most romantic guy, but he takes care of me & our family. He works hard to support us & I don't just mean going to work and making the money. He comes home & takes care of the dogs every night & helps with Madison so I can get some time to cook or do things I want to do. He gets up early to take care of the dogs before he goes to work.  He makes sure I get up to work out (thought this week he's let me sleep since I've been sick). He helps with the chores around the house. 


These things are great, but the really great stuff about him is he's made some of my dreams come true. He gave me the best husband that day 3 years ago. He gave me the dream of our daughter & of being a family (we aren't done with this yet!). He gave me my dream wedding & honeymoon. He's giving me my dream house since we are building it. He's given me my dream life! I can't believe how lucky I got with him. 


Truth is when I found him, I found my dreams. Even if he hadn't given me all these wonderful things, my life would still be a dream as long as I had him! Today & everyday, I thank God for my husband.  As the song from our first dance says "Forever is as Far as I'll Go!"

"Forever Is As Far As I'll Go" I'll admit I could feel it The first time that we touched And the look in your eyes Said you felt as much But I'm not a man Who falls too easily It's best that you know Where you stand with me Chorus: I will give you my heart Faithful and true And all the love it can hold That's all I can do 'Cause I've thought about How long I'll love you And it's only fair that you know Forever's as far as I'll go When there's age around my eyes And gray in your hair And it only takes a touch To recall the love we've shared I won't take for granted You'll know my love is true 'Cause each night in your arms I'll whisper to you

Long, Tiring Week

We have had quite the interesting week. We spent last week visiting my parents. Madison started teething while we were there too. 


Madison's wonderful teething morphed into sickness. It got bad enough that the kid stopped eating & drinking. She was coughing so hard too! It landed us in the ER to get her checked out on Friday. They did a chest x-ray because my Grandpa had pneumonia & they wanted to rule it out. They gave her a breathing treatment & she napped while we were there. She was diagnosed with Bronchiolitis. We were sent home with a prescription for a inhaler & spacer for her & a nose spray. We had to use the nose spray for 3 days. We have to use the inhaler every 4 hours for a week. It was so hard for all of us to give her the nose spray. The inhaler was a fight until Saturday night, then all of a sudden she started taking it like a champ. She wants to hold it & spray it. She even laughed through it last night. I've caught this little sickness too. Mine is no where near as bad as her's has been. 


Its been so beautiful outside. The weather has been great! I haven't been keeping Madison inside because she is sick, but I have been trying to keep her out of public places. We took her to a field Sunday and flew a kite, then we went to an empty park. Of course we weren't there long before a family showed up with a little guy that was slightly younger than Madison. We left a little while later because I didn't want her getting close to him and getting him sick. Other than that we've taken a few walks & played in the back yard. 

Faith & Religion

So I had a conversation with a friend who did not know where I stood on religion & faith. This conversation spurred this post.

Not many people realize that I was never baptized/christened (not sure what Catholics call it) because my family is Catholic. My understanding is that my mom turned away from the church before I was born. Does that mean she doesn't have faith? No way. She just didn't like some things and left. I've talked to her about things & she wishes she had raised us with religion, but I'm kind of glad she didn't. Not that I have anything against anyone who is religious. I just don't think that its for me.

Now a lot people who hear this think that I am an atheist, which I am not. I believe in God. I believe that He listens to us through our prayers & I believe that He is with us every second of our life, even before & after life. Therefore, I have faith. I know a lot people that know me will be like "WHAT?! YOU believe in GOD?!" I don't talk about it to a lot of people. Although if you ask I will tell you.

For me, I don't feel that God needs us to worship in a Church, He just wants us to worship. I don't think you need to do it with a group of people or pray aloud or in a specific place or at a specific time. I think if this is the route you want to go great, but its not for me. Does that mean I won't step into a church? No, I've been to many in my life, Catholic & Lutheran mostly. I like a lot of the messages that have been given in the services I have attended. I'd go again. I'm just not into committing myself to every Saturday/Sunday or whatever day people go to Church now.

How I worship? I worship by living my life to the best of my ability & being as good of a person I can be. Now that doesn't mean in anyway shape or form that I am perfect. I have flaws & I ask God daily to help me make myself better. I've caught myself slipping back at times, but I ask His forgiveness and hope that He will grant it. I pray daily as well, some days quiet, some days loud & others on my hands & knees in tears. I pray where ever I am when the mood strikes or I just need to talk.

Do I think everyone else is wrong for going to Church or being affiliated with a religion? No, I think everyone needs to do what they feel is right for themselves & their family. I don't judge. I have friends who are Lutheran, Jewish, Southern Baptist & family who is Catholic (including my own husband), & probably more religions than I can remember.

Have I read the Bible? Not yet. Its on my list of books to read. I wish I had done it a long time ago. I want to be able to read it cover to cover. I've been told doing so, may change my view on religion, but I don't know. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

Why wouldn't you convert for your husband? Well, he never asked for one & I respect him so much for that. Secondly, I don't think you should convert your religion or join a religion for someone else. I think you should do it for you. Its just like if you quit smoking, doing drugs or drinking or even lose weight, you need to do for yourself in order to be successful. I feel in order to really mean & live that religion you need to do it for yourself.

What about your daughter? I've told my husband that if he wants her raised Catholic, we can do that. Its up to him. I will make the commitment to help him do that, but after a certain age (which will be agreed upon between us if he decides its what he wants) I won't force her to go to church or participate. She will need to make the decision at some point of what she wants to do & how she wants to worship.



Well, that is my take on it.

Its all real!

We are about to go sign some contracts. We have to sign the sales contract selling our lot to our builder & the sales contract saying we plan on buying the house the builder is building for us. Oh my! This is really happening! In a few short weeks there will be a hole in the ground on our land! I'm so nervous now!

I know there are a lot of exclamation points, but trust me if I were to put as many exclamation points to really show how I feel about this there would be about a million!

We have made a lot of selections so far. We have a price, hence the sales contract. The price may change due to us making some changes as we go, but we should not stray far from it unless it doesn't appraise for the price, which could happen because we have added geothermal into it & appraisers don't put a lot of value to it because of rebates (which you don't get right away). If that happens we will discuss whether or not we need to take the geothermal out or if we are willing to pay out of pocket for the geothermal (leaning towards no there). There are still some selections to make & I'm sure I will have a list of these things come to me soon enough. So here is what we picked out so far:

1. Flooring
2. Cabinets
3. Granite for the kitchen (picked color but still need to pick slab)
4. Counter top for the laundry room
5. Bathroom Sinks/Countertops
6. Interior Doors
7. Trim
8. Appliances
9. Door Knobs
10. Color of Siding
11. Color of windows & soffits

Things I know we still need to do

1. Pick Granite Slab
2. Lighting
3. Kitchen Sink
4. Faucets (kitchen & bathrooms)
5. Exterior Doors
6. Windows (style)
7. Stone for the front of the house

I'm not sure what else there is for us to do, but I'm sure there is a ton more!

Update 2

I wanted to give another update as we are in a new month.


1. I want to begin and stay working out at least 2 times a week This leaves me at least Sat & Sun when Dan is home, if Madison isn't in a cooperative mood.  Work in some other type of exercise (balance ball/yoga/workout video) 
2. I want to get the crappy food out of my house.
3. I want to get out of the house more often. (more fun stuff)
4. I want to be more patient with my husband. I have all the patience in the world for Madison, but not for Dan for some reason.
5. I want to stop letting people get to me.
6. I want to get my townhouse up on the market and my house built.
7. I want to find new things for Madison and I to do
8. I want to have baby #2 (however, some of the other things listed need to happen first)
9. I want get my husband to take a mini-vacay just the two of us. 
10. I want us to spend more time together as a family adding in fun stuff too.
11. I want us to spend more time with our extended families.


Working out has been great I've been doing at least 4 times a week on the treadmill for about 20 mins each time.  I am really enjoying it now. I look forward to getting up and working out. It gives me more energy to get things done & to play with Madison. I feel better. I can see the difference in my body & in the numbers on the scale.  I swore I would never let myself get over 200 lbs, but I did, though as of today I can say that I am below that again (not by much, but enough to make me happy) I am down to a size 16 from a size 18, though my 16's are now starting to feel loose enough that I need a belt now, so I'm sure a week or two more at this and I will be down another size! Sweet!  With the workout though I need to find a way to work in a few sessions a week on my balance ball or doing something else. I almost bought myself the 30 day shred video, but I don't know that I have enough room in my living room to do it. Anyone have it?


The crappy food is out of the house. I have revamped my "diet." Yes its in quotations because I don't believe in an actual diet. I don't want to cut anything out complete. Just to control how much of stuff I eat & how often. This has worked wonderfully for me. I have no cravings for anything, therefore I am not  pigging out & ruining a "diet."


Getting out of the house more often, has been a bit tricky lately. We get out but its mostly to run errands or make decisions on the house. Its still something, but I was hoping for something more fun & family orientated. At least we are doing it as a family.


Patience with my husband. I think I'm getting better about it. At least I hope so. We don't seem to argue or fight as much, so I think thats a plus in my column!


I haven't allowed anyone to get to me lately, but then again I haven't been around the ones that usually do, my family. I guess we shall see how that goes next week (possibly).


The townhouse is up on the market! Yay! Its been a pain to keep clean & show ready everyday when we haven't had one showing yet! Tonight we meet with the builder to go over our plans & hopefully will come home with a date for breaking ground. Something tells me its going to be April not this month, but we will deal.


I still haven't found new things for Madison & I to do. Suggestions? Right now we mostly stay in and play with toys or run errands together & when its nice out we go for walks, stopping for a cookie at the bakery on occasion.


Baby #2 is still on hold as I still have to undergo my retesting of my liver function. Which should be happening soon! 


Mini-vacay has gone no where.


We are spending family time together a lot. We have our nightly dinners & play time after dinner. Plus the weekends we spend a good portion of time together now that hunting is over & there is no ice to ice fish. I'd like it if we could find some fun things to do as I said above about getting out more.


We still need to work on spending more time with hubby's family. As I still see mine about once a month for a week. We haven't seen his family much at all.