I got bad news last night that left me up and crying for most of last night. My grandpa has cancer. Not just any cancer, but pancreatic & liver cancer. He got the results yesterday and the news is now spread around our family. The Dr are giving him 12-18 months, 24 months if chemo goes well.
These last few years his health has been on a decline and I knew his time was coming, but I never thought it would be like this. He's in pain now, I don't even want to think of the pain he will be in, in the months to come with chemo or even the pain he will be in, in a year.
I'm having a hard time reconciling this information with my view of him in my mind. See, my mind's eye still has him as a 50-something man who worked 2 jobs and played with us and showed us his train set. He's the same man who renewed his vows to his wife 2 or 3 times now. He is the same man I use to go wake up in the late morning/early afternoon (he worked 2 or 3rd shift) when I was about 4 or so. I still picture him as the man he was when I was growing up, not as the sick man he has been for the last 3 years.
In the last 3 years he's had a lot of health issues, so I knew that at some point I was going to get the dreaded phone call, but I never thought this would be it. At least we are being given a heads up that this is whats going to happen, but I don't know if thats really a good thing. How do you prepare yourself to say goodbye? How do you stand by and watch someone you love go through pain and agony? Don't get me wrong I am grateful to have more time with him, to be able to say and do the things that I have put off. I just don't want him to suffer.
There are few things that give me comfort in this situation. The biggest is that I know when his time comes, he will be with his mom and brother again. The next is that I know they are watching over him now.
I am trying to come to terms with this. I need to do it soon because I need to be able to call grandpa & grandma without crying and I need to be able to see them without crying. I also need to be able to face the day without hiding my tears from my sweet baby girl. I'm so happy that she got to meet him and spend time with him. Now I need to get over my sadness so I can make sure she gets to spend more time with him while she has it.
If you read this please, please pray for him. I am not asking for a miracle, just that you pray that he never suffers through this process.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
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