2012 Year in Review!

I remember starting they year with bad news. It was just into the New Year that I had been trying to cope with the news that my Grandpa was diagnosed with liver & pancreatic cancer. I knew that moment that he would not be celebrating another year with us. Shortly, after that diagnosis, we found out that it had moved to his brain. He did some chemo & it made him sick so he talked to his doctor & they did radiation treatments for him. I drove to be with him & spend time with him numerous times throughout the beginning of the year.

February brought some news that I needed to deal with. I found that my liver counts were off & I was to spend the next 6 weeks without any pain meds & alcohol. Alcohol was never the problem. Not being able to take tylenol & advil for my ever growing headaches. At last I found relief in finding & going to a chiropractor. So when 6 weeks were up I was pain free & my liver counts were normal again.

March came to really buckle down on the planning for the new house. It also was when Grandpa decided to end treatments. It was toward the end of March when I was told to come quickly because they weren't sure how long we had with him. I did my best & got there. It was improving though. He realized he could not go home though because he needed more care than could be handled there. So we got him transferred to a nursing home.

April was the worst month but one of the most exciting of all. We gathered for Easter at the nursing home to celebrate with Grandpa. Pretty sure it would be our last holiday with him. Hubby & I also broke ground on our new house! I was ecstatic & still felt that I needed to be elsewhere. So a few days after ground breaking I left to go back to IL to visit Gramps & be near by. I went in on a Friday & saw him. He had declined quite a bit in the week or so I was gone. He new who I was for minutes at time & then thought I was someone else. After visiting him I went to my mom's for the weekend. Her & I made plans to go visit Gramps Monday afternoon together. Well, we didn't get our plan as Gramps had other plans. It was Monday, April 23rd, when my mom called me to tell me I needed to come get her & get to Gramps. They were sure that this was going to be it. We had called the whole family & they were on their way as well. I can't tell you how grateful I was for that finally day with him. For that time to be by his side. I will never forget rubbing his shoulder & telling him its ok to go. We love you! As much as I dreaded that moment to come, I would never take it back. I think it made grieving a little easier. We laid him in his final resting place 5 days later.

May was kind of a blur as the grieving was still happening & also building our house. I had to take each day one at a time because it was difficult after such a great loss to move forward.

June was much better. We celebrated Madison's 2 nd birthday with a blast of a party for her. We had water balloon fights & all. It was during this that I noticed & realized that Gramps was gone but he was forever with us. He was with mom when she went around the house & pulled the hose on Grams. He was with Grams when Grams was just shooting everyone with her water gun having a great time. He was there as the day went on. He was watching all of us. It was this day, that made it possible for me to move forward without feeling guilty about leaving him in that cemetery.

July was hot & filled with fun of celebrating 4th of July. We had a blast with hubby's family for the family reunion & the 4th celebrations! It couldn't have been better.

August was the best month of all. It was this month that my daughter took her first trip without mommy. She went to Alabama with my parents. She had a blast & was spoiled rotten. It was also the month we got the offer on our townhouse & the weight had been lifted off our shoulders! Then the best of all things. It was this month that we found out we were expecting #2!!!! I couldn't believe it. It was then that I figured out my due date. April 28th! It was as if this baby was meant to show me that everything comes full circle. My baby is due a year after we laid Gramps to rest. She will have the greatest guardian angel ever!

September was a little difficult as I had to pack our home so we could move. It was bitter sweet as we had brought Madison home to that townhouse. We had watched our love grow. It was the one place that had brought me comfort when I couldn't be with my family. However, we were moving to our dream home finally! After years of talking about doing it! We were!

October was just settling in to the new house. Nothing too exciting. Unless you count Trick or Treating with Madison for Halloween! She was the cutest Minnie Mouse!

November was more of the same. Though there was Thanksgiving with the family.

December brought us the Christmas spirit! We got to decorate & spend time with our families. We also had our ultrasound. We found out we were having another Girl & that she was a healthy baby too!  Hubby has also started the bedroom in the basement so we can still have a guest room after baby gets here.

All in all 2012 was a good year for us, even if we lost someone so near & dear to us. I can't wait to see what 2013 brings besides babies! As I already know 4 babies that will be born in 2013! 1 in January, ours in April & 2 babies in July! Cannot wait to see & hold the squishy babies!

Week 23 of Pregnancy

How far along? 22 weeks 4 days

Total weight gain: 11 lbs

Maternity clothes? Yes, since about 7 weeks

Stretch marks? a few new ones on my belly & some on the boobs (don't even want to think about how big those are now)

Linea Nigra:  Still Not yet (never had one with Madison, so...)

Sleep: There is alot of changing sides because my hips start to hurt & some pregnancy insomnia. Also getting up 2 times a night to pee doesn't help either

Times you Potty a Night: 2 times a night

Best moment of the week: Christmas with DH's family

Miss anything?  Sandwiches - regular non-toasted Jimmy Johns sandwiches

Movement: Yes, I'm getting kicked & punched daily. Still Can't wait for hubby to be able to feel it too!

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Not at all.

Cravings: Jimmy Johns, but alas can't have it because they don't toast their subs

Gender prediction:  Doesn't matter anymore because its a girl
Gender: GIRL

Labor signs:  No. Just some Braxton Hicks every now & again

Symptoms:  The bump in front, some sore boobs, & pregnancy insomnia, but thats about it.

Aches & Pains:  A sore lower back from carrying the bump & a sciatic nerve pain

Belly button in or out? In (never popped out with Madison, so I'm curious if it will stay that way)

Wedding rings on or off? So far on, but I think they are going to be coming off soon as they are getting much tighter now.

Happy or moody most of the time? Happy, uncomfortable & way excited that I have 4 more months left. 

Looking forward to: Heading to my mom's this weekend to see them for Christmas. 

Christmas Thinking

As Christmas Day closes in, I am beginning to think more & more about the past. Mostly, in the forefront of my mind are the Christmas pasts with my grandpa. I wish as an adult I had taken a little more time to be with him Christmas morning to watch the parade on tv. I wish I had taken Madison to watch with Grampy. I know I cannot change the past, but at least I can now alter my future to make sure I do things that may not seem important to me, but may be important to someone else.

This is why I have agreed to go stay at my in-laws tomorrow night. I love them & love visiting them. I just didn't want to be there when someone else was staying with them. Its a little snug with more people, but I have figured out this is not important. Whats important is that my in-laws get a Christmas morning with Madison & the rest of us.

I have also been thinking about how blessed I am. I am blessed to have this new beautiful home that we built, a loving, caring husband, a gorgeous, smart daughter, a new healthy baby on the way, 2 awesome dogs & all the wonderful extended family & friends. I really could not ask for more in my life.

I can honestly say I have everything I ever wanted & have nothing I would ask Santa for that he could bring me at least. The only thing I would ask Santa for is more time. More time with Madison being little, more time with my husband curled up together, more time that I can spend with my parents, grandma, & the rest of my family & with my husband's family & our friends.

Knowing that I can't get what I want from Santa, I will ask Santa to bring all of you everything you want & could possibly ask for. I hope that you are as blessed as I am. So what would you ask Santa for?

Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year!

In the wake of the CT tragedy...

There isn't much I can say about the tragedy in CT. All I can do is pray for those families who lost their little ones & for those families who lost loved ones because they stood & defended other little ones. Its a horrible situation. One I hope never happens again, but in this day & age can we really believe that it won't? Especially, after so many other massacres at other places like the Colorado Theater.

How are we now suppose to feel comfortable allowing our children to go back to school, day care or honestly, any where else, but in our arms. I know I held my daughter tighter & even to this day I hold her tighter & longer. I kiss her more than I probably need too & more than a 2 1/2 year old even wants.

Being pregnant during this tragedy, makes things a little harder. How am I going to bring a child into a world that seems so filled with evil?  There is no turning back now, but how do I feel comfortable with this? How do I know my children will be safe out there?

I guess it boils down to faith. I have to have faith that it will all be ok & my children will be safe. Otherwise my only option is to shield them from everything, but if I do that, how will they learn to take care of themselves?

My other option is to arm myself. I do not want a debate about this, but I believe in the 2nd amendment. If some bad person is going to be armed I feel the need to protect myself & my family. You bet that I am going to start taking gun safety classes & possibly even get myself a conceal carry permit. I have some research on laws & what not to do first.

Pregnancy week 21

Week 21 - so far has been fun with the anticipation of our anatomy scan & then having the scan. We (Madison & I) are heading to my parents today to spend some time with them & to visit my friend, Kristen & meet her new little boy, AJ. Cannot wait!

20 weeks 3 days
Baby is measuring 3 days ahead & at 14 oz.

How far along? 20 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain: 8 lbs

Maternity clothes? Yes, since about 7 weeks

Stretch marks? a few new ones on my belly & some on the boobs (don't even want to think about how big those are now)

Linea Nigra:  Not yet (never had one with Madison, so...)

Sleep: Sort of. I can fall asleep but cannot stay asleep

Times you Potty a Night: 1 time most nights 

Best moment of the week: Having my anatomy scan

Miss anything? Wine, but not even that much. I can always go get some non-alcoholic wine too. Its not as good but it does the trick.

Movement: Yes, I'm getting kicked & punched daily. Still Can't wait for hubby to be able to feel it too!

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Not at all.

Cravings: Fried Chicken & potato salad. Had it last night so thats over

Gender prediction:  Boy because everything is just way different then when I was pregnant with Madison. Plus if you go by the heart rate old wives tale it points to boy. Of course I thought boy with Madison too & she is obviously a girl
Gender: GIRL

Labor signs:  No. Just some Braxton Hicks every now & again

Symptoms:  The bump in front, some sore boobs, & pregnancy insomnia, but thats about it.

Aches & Pains:  A sore lower back from carrying the bump & a sciatic nerve pain

Belly button in or out? In (never popped out with Madison, so I'm curious if it will stay that way)

Wedding rings on or off? So far on. It still spins on my finger!

Happy or moody most of the time? Happy! Though I think my hubby might say moody. For some reason he gets on my nerves lately.

Looking forward to: Visiting family & friends this week & Christmas

Holiday Fun!

We made this weekend full of holiday cheer! Here are some pictures & a video to celebrate our weekend

Madison wearing Momma's shirt getting ready to paint some ornaments. She probably didn't even need it. She was as neat as she could be with the paint. The only place she had it was on the ornaments & on her fingers. Great job for a 2 1/2 year old!

Here are our finished products. Be surprised if you get one for a Christmas gift!

We then decided we needed to make cookies too. Here she is getting ready to help Momma make some roll out cookies.

Here She is decorating said cookies with Daddy. They did a great job! Again other than the cookies she only got frosting on her fingers & in her mouth!

My favorite. My baby girl singing Rodulph the Red Nosed Reindeer. She gets better with every time she listens to it. She is definitely her Momma's girl for this!

Week 19 of Pregnancy

 So I've been looking for something to record a little more about this pregnancy. I wish I had done it with Madison, but never thought about it. It would have been fun to look back at it, but alas, I did not even think about it. So I stole this from another blog. Try to do a weekly or maybe just a monthly update of it.

How far along? 18 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain:  6 lbs

Maternity clothes? Yes, since about 7 weeks

Stretch marks? a few new ones on my belly & some on the boobs (don't even want to think about how big those are now)

Linea Nigra:  Not yet (never had one with Madison, so...)

Sleep: Sort of. I can fall asleep but cannot stay asleep

Times you Potty a Night: 1 time most nights 

Best moment of the week:  Getting my 20 week ultrasound appt set!

Miss anything? Wine, but not even that much. I can always go get some non-alcoholic wine too. Its not as good but it does the trick.

Movement:  Yes! This little one is turning mostly. I did get a couple of swift kicks though. Can't wait for hubby to be able to feel it too!

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Not really. Every now & then something just doesn't look good to eat, but thats it

Cravings: Candy - Chocolate mostly, but had a craving for Sour Patch Kids earlier this week.

Gender prediction:  Boy because everything is just way different then when I was pregnant with Madison. Plus if you go by the heart rate old wives tale it points to boy. Of course I thought boy with Madison too & she is obviously a girl

Labor signs:  No. Just some Braxton Hicks every now & again

Symptoms:  The bump in front, some sore boobs, & pregnancy insomnia, but thats about it.

Aches & Pains:  A sore lower back from carrying the bump & a sciatic nerve pain

Belly button in or out? In (never popped out with Madison, so I'm curious if it will stay that way)

Wedding rings on or off? So far on. It still spins on my finger!

Happy or moody most of the time? Happy! Though I think my hubby might say moody. For some reason he gets on my nerves lately.

Looking forward to:  My 20 week ultrasound in 13 days! (No I'm not counting at all)

A Tribute to A Great Friend

First & foremost I would like to say a Happy Birthday to one of my best friends, Christine. Today is her 32 birthday. I've known her for about 1/2 her life now minus a couple of years of strain on our friendship, but without the test of time how do you know that you have such a real friendship??

This wonderful 32 yr old woman has been through so much & has done everything in her power to stay positive, it may not have always worked but she tried none the less. I admire her for this & for the fact that she is a high school teacher, but not just any teacher a special education teacher. She has such patience, even when she doesn't think she does.

She helped me through some bad times & I tried to help her (I think I succeeded at times). You know there could be a lot of blackmail here if we ever really weren't friends.

The strength this woman has is just unbelievable. I am awed at how she has been able to move forward with all that has happened this year. I wonder if I had been in her shoes if I could do the same. I would like to think so, but the truth is I don't really think I could have.

Truth is, this woman, this friend of mine is a wonderful, patient, smart, beautiful, caring and often stubborn, but she is a good, true friend & I'm happy to call her a friend of mine. She is honestly, more like a sister. I am honored that she is part of my life.

Happy 32nd Birthday, Sweetheart! Thank you for my being in my life & being that positive influence when I needed it & for being ready for those sinful nights out all those years ago to help heal broken hearts & hurt. May this day bring true all the dreams you have.

Love you,

Sandi

PS We need more pictures together because these ones are all I could find on my laptop & they are over 3 years old!!!!

Madison's new Obsession

We had some visitors this weekend while Daddy was off hunting. They taught my little girl a new song. Madison calls it the Monkey in the Tree song. She has since become obsessed with this song & asks about every 15 mins to sing it again. This is her trying to do it all by herself the day after it was taught to her. She doesn't do too bad considering.

5 Little Monkeys swing in a tree
Teasing Mr. Alligator "can't catch me"
Along comes Mr. Alligator quiet as can be
And SNAP that monkey right out of the tree

Reading - Just a little video

Just a little video of my stinker! She is reading to baby "sister." I do not know what we are having yet. With any luck we will find out what gender when we have our anatomy scan in December, but she insists its a baby sister, but that baby sister is a boy. So at least she has all her bases covered. Oh, & she is obsessed with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!

Growing up

My baby girl is growing up so much. She is close to being 2 1/2 yrs old, but in a lot of ways she is older. I don't know how to explain it other than to say she gives off the impression that she is 3 or 4 quite often. I don't want her to be older at all. Actually I would love to go back to the days when she needed me most, but  alas I need to let her grow & be somewhat independent. I guess I should be glad she still wants me to get her dressed, though I think she could do that on her own too! She still has some baby type things like she still wears diapers (the one thing I wish we could get her out of right now!)

Today, I am proud to say she drank from a regular cup without spilling a drop. It was her first time too!

She does love to put Raspberries on her fingers to eat them.

She even decides she likes to sit in her Bumbo when I pulled it out to check the safety of it for baby #2

So she still shows me what a little one she can be, but she is just growing up so fast.

I will leave you with this last picture though. To me she was the cutest Minnie Mouse for Halloween, so I have to share it!

Fears that come with baby #2

I know I still have 6 months to figure things out & get over my fears, but I'm going to put them out here. Maybe you have suggestions or helpful insight to help calm my fears.

1. Will Madison love her baby sister or brother?
2. Will they have a good relationship? Lets face it I can't be a great role model here as I don't feel like I have a real relationship with any of my siblings.
3. Will there be enough room in my heart for both of them?
4. Will I be able to spend enough time with Madison while caring for a new born?
5. Will I be able to handle 2 children & 2 dogs all day by myself? Let alone those times Dan wants to go on his hunting or fishing trips.
6. Will I be able to go visit friends & family in IL toting 2 children by myself?
7. Will Madison regress any after baby is here?
8. How will she do while I'm in the hospital having baby & recuperating? She hasn't really been without me except when she has gone somewhere, so will she be ok if mommy goes somewhere?
9. Will I be able to breastfeed longer than what I did with Madison (3 months is all we made it)
10. Will we as a family be financially able to take care of a baby without having to give up too much?

I'm sure there are many more things, but they aren't coming to mind right now.

Letting the Cat out of the Bag

Well, Here it is. We are expecting Baby #2  due April 28, 2013!

We are in our 12th week. Everyone is doing good! The move was more stressful because I couldn't help like I wanted to & this is why. I have had a hard time hiding the belly for about 4 weeks, so sweatshirts have been my friends, but I'm done trying to hide it. Honestly, this time around has been easier compared to when I was preggo with Madison. I've had no morning sickness, though I did have some food aversions (mostly to beef/venison). If it wasn't for the exhaustion that hit me last week & is still continuing this week, oh & the belly, I could forget I was pregnant & actually have a time or two!

Lets hope the delivery is a little smoother this time too! Another 20 1/2 hours with 18 of them on Pitocin doesn't sound like fun!

Things I've learned living in the new house

Things I've learned in the last week while living in the new house.

1. Its beautiful to wake up & watch the sunrise over the farm field behind my house from my deck or if its chilly my kitchen table. However, its not so fun to have a farm field behind the house when they harvest! (see #2)

2. When they harvest beans, this bean dust floats through the air all over the place & coats everything in it!

3. There are way more bugs & spiders around here! Note: Have hubby spray around the house for spiders & bugs!

4. The oven smells & smokes during its first few uses & its normal!

5. Its truly a pain in the butt & an all day event to water a Semi & 1/2 of Sod!!!! Plus you have to do it every day for a while!

6. Our electric company has been easy to get along with & very helpful as we get everything set up for the Geothermal including getting our heat plus rate (lower rate for heating & cooling)

7. Living in a new neighborhood (lots of new construction) isn't so bad as long as the construction isn't next door! (So far we are lucky!)

8. Our town has no Police station! We are covered by the County Sheriffs! There are at least 2 around here. 1 right around the corner! Plus it seems the Sheriffs do a loop through the neighborhood every night!

9. The town grocery store never seems to be very crowded.

10. I miss living closer to all the shops & stuff, but I hated the feeling of living so close to everyone else! So I would rather drive a little bit to get to the shops!

11. No matter how much room it looks like I will have in kitchen cabinets, its never enough! 

12. Same goes for the pantry!

13. New washer & dryer makes laundry more fun (for now!) That fun could wear off.

14. No matter how much unpacking I do I feel like I keep finding more!

15. Trying to unpack & watch a toddler is hard work! 

I'm sure there is a ton  more, but thats all I can do now as a certain toddler wants my attention now!

Adventures in moving

This has been quite the adventure. We were down to the wire Friday on whether or not we were going to be able to move stuff this weekend. Friday afternoon we got the Ok from the inspector on the final inspection. Then upon talking to our builder, they still needed to do touch up paint, caulking, fill nail holes, get my dryer (needed to side vent it & they were waiting for the kit) & a few other small miscellaneous things. So we opted to move things in, but keep it all in the middle of the rooms so that they could do what they needed to. With this happening we could not stay there & opted to stay at the townhouse.

I am currently typing this from a camping chair in my living room. I have been sleeping on a twin air mattress. We have a tv on the floor so that we can occupy Madison while we do a few things like last minute packing & cleaning the townhouse.

Its not ideal at all, but its what we had to do to make things work the easiest. Starting tomorrow night we will be staying in the new house as we have to have the townhouse cleaned. So that will give me Thursday to do so.

Our luck throughout this process as really stunk. Days before moving my cell phone stopped working properly so I had to go to Verizon to see if they could fix it. They could not & ordered me a new refurbished one. Thankfully it was no charge because it was within the first year & I did get it the very next day. Then on Friday the battery in my husbands truck started to take a crap so we had to replace that. Then yesterday I got a call from my doctor's office. I was suppose to have an appt today & well, it got moved to Thursday because they had me scheduled under a different doctor & my doctor is not in today.

Its all been stressful but nothing that we cannot handle. Its definitely been an adventure!

Stressed to the Max!!

We are suppose to be moving into the new house starting tomorrow. Well, it doesn't look like that is going to be the case. We will not know if this weekend is going to be a go on moving in until tomorrow afternoon. We need our electrician to show up, sod to be put in, clean up to be done, appliances to be installed & the final walk through to be done! I think it could be done! However, that is if everyone pulls their crap together & gets to the house to get it done! I'm so stressed out & there is nothing I can do about it!

We are suppose to be closing on both places one week from tomorrow. The buyers of the townhouse would like to get into the townhouse that day, but I don't know that, we can make that possible for them! If we can't move this weekend, I don't know when we can move. Dan can't do it all himself during the week next week & we cannot afford to hire movers to do it. Its kind of late in the game for that too! I'm under a weight restriction for lifting so I can't really help Dan much at all! This plan old sucks because what are we suppose to do? Ask people to use their vacation days to help us move? Who would want to do that? Who at this late in the year would have vacation days left to use?

I just want things to work out.

Looking up!

Things are starting to look up. We accepted an offer on the townhouse Saturday afternoon. We have a tentative closing date of Sept 28! Our house is scheduled to be completed Sept 8th & will be able to move in shortly after so we will be out of the townhouse by closing for the new owners.

There is a ton of stuff to get done & I need to pick out a few more things for the house. We have to pack up & move. We have to get paperwork together for the bank. We need to look into pricing things out for the house as well.

Must get back to my list making!

Difficult time & some pessimistic views

I still miss grandpa. Last week I broke down cried over it. My husband had my daughter outside teaching her how to cast her Mickey Mouse fishing pool. She was getting good at it for a 2 year old. He sent me a text telling me what she was doing so I could come see. I took a peek out the window & I lost it. I cried watching her. I cried because she will never have the opportunity to fish with my grandpa. I cried because all the memories of going fishing with him came rushing at me. I cried because I miss picking up the phone &; telling him whats going on. I will always cherish my time with him. It makes me smile when Madison says Grampy likes hot dogs & when her face lights up at hearing or seeing a train because he lives on in those moments.

One of my best friends lost her mom in June. She honored her mom's memory with a culadah ring with her mother's birthstone. She was sweet enough to get me one with my grandfather's birthstone. When I wear it I feel he is nearby keeping an eye on things.

Something else has been bugging me lately. I had a dream the other night. It was more of a memory really. A memory that came back to me in my dreams. It was of the last times I went to see him in the nursing home when he was talking. He said something about Madison being his only great grandchild, which to a degree is true but he said in a way that he had always known she would be his only one. Its not like he won't have other great-grandchildren, because he will. He just won't know them like he knew Madison.

It not just been things with Grandpa thought that have been difficult. My other issue has been selling the townhouse. We are getting so far into the building of the new house that I kind of lost hope of selling the townhouse & being able to move into the house we designed & built. I have resigned myself to the thought that we are going to lose our house because we won't able to sell the townhouse in a timely manner. As I stated to a few people already I have become the ultimate pessimist when it comes to the house because optimism just hasn't helped me out at all.

A week without my baby

I spent all of last week without my little girl. I know you would think that I would have found the time to blog, but truth be told, I was a slacker.

I spent my first day without her in a total funk. I went grocery shopping & it wasn't the same without her. I enjoy taking her grocery shopping with me. She squeals with delight as I push the cart around. She doesn't ask for things at all. She just wants to hold the list, which is fine with me as long as she will show it to me so I can get everything on it.

The second day I was out of my funk because we checked on her the night before and she was doing fine & having fun with her grandparents. I got all sorts of errands run & checked out the new house, though I did take one of the dogs with me as I did these things.

All week long whenever I went anywhere I kept checking the back seat for my baby girl. It always made me sad that she was not there, but at the same time happy that I do check for her especially with the hot weather.

I kept the house clean & took a few naps since I didn't have a toddler to chase after. I did get to go out with the hubby for dinner twice while she was gone plus we went to a festival one night too. It was a pretty boring life without my baby for a week, but I survived

By the time it was Saturday I was ready to go claim my baby & spend an ton of time with her. We went to go pick her up & my baby was stunned to see us standing in Grandma's kitchen! She would not let me out of her sight & I got a million hugs & kisses! I loved it!

Since her homecoming we have spent a ton of time together. She grew at least an inch since she was gone & her hair is definitely thicker! She is putting together 4 word sentences too! I can't believe it!

2 months later

Its been a little over 2 months since Grandpa left us. I've been moving forward & doing the normal everyday stuff & just plain living life. He would have wanted that for all of us. I really have been doing fine with it, but there have been a few times I've caught myself just crying over the last few weeks.

The first was Madison's birthday which was also her party. It was the first family gathering that he wasn't physically there with us. It made me sad to know I wouldn't see him that day, but I know he was watching & probably laughing as we had a major water fight in the backyard at Mom's. He would have loved it.

Another time was just driving through Antioch, IL to go to Walmart. Why this would make me think of him & make me sad? Well, the only thing I could think of was that he was born & lived in Antioch as a boy.

Once again last night too. I was putting Madison to bed & I started tearing up. She is just such a big girl & so well behaved for a 2 year old. She says "Yes, momma" "Please" & "Thank You" all the time, plus almost never throws fits. She does as she is told about 95% of the time. It made me sad that my Gramps won't get to be here while she grows & see her love of fishing already (ok love of fishing poles at least). It made me sad that she won't go fishing with Gramps.

I know, he is watching all the time. I know he will see all of this, but its not the same as him being here, physically with us. I miss him still & I know I always will.  I just wish the water works would stop already.

The funny part is we cleaned out his shed a few weeks ago & nothing triggered this reaction there. Speaking of cleaning out the shed, my hubby went back to look at some of Gramps tools & ended up bring home an old Snoopy fishing pole for Madison to use. Its one I used as a kid & so did a lot of my cousins! He wants to go back & grab one of his old fishing poles too, that I would have used as a kid, if for nothing else, but to have a piece of Gramps here. I love my husband even more for this. He knows how important this man was to me & what a huge part of my life he was.

Stressed!

This is suppose to be a great time in our lives! We are thriving as a family & happy plus we are building our dream home! What is the problem then? The problem is our damn townhouse isn't selling! No one has come in weeks! We lowered the price & still no one is coming to see our place! We are less than 2 months away from completion of our house! What the hell are we going to do?! We could lose our dream house! What does our realtor ask me to do? Talk to someone at the bank about a Bridge Loan so we can get into the new house because empty houses sell quicker. So I left a message for them at the bank to get back to me. Then I looked up online what a bridge loan is because I don't want to get screwed either.

The Bridge loan would allow us to take the equity out of the townhouse & use it as a down payment on the new house to get us in it, we would not pay on the Bridge Loan until we sold the townhouse, but we would have to then pay 2 mortgages! We could probably do this for 2 months, but there is no way we could indefinitely! Then what happens if after 2 months its still not sold? We get screwed! Thats what?! What am I suppose to do tank my credit? I don't think so! It doesn't sound like something we should do to me. I think I would rather lose my dream house (sad & very upsetting yes!) than to take a chance on tanking our credit & screw us on other things we want to do (hmm bankruptcy doesn't sound good to me nor does losing all of our savings)

I'll still go & talk to the bank as I want to learn a little more about it plus get a quote on doing our mortgage anyway.


Anyone wanna buy a townhouse?

My baby is going to wake up as a 2 year old tomorrow!

I can't believe how quickly 2 years has gone by. I can't believe how much change 2 years has made in my child or even how much change happened in her in 1 year.

 She has changed so much in this last year. At this time last year, she was a butt scooter & only learned to walk at about 15 months. She barely said any words except the standard ones (dada, mama, baba, up, etc) & now she has a limitless vocabulary & is putting together 3 & sometimes 4 word sentences, more if you get her to repeat something. She has quite the memory too. She is starting to count & recognize letters as well. She follows alot of instructions too! Tonight, she even put her own PJ shorts on by herself tonight.

Madison loves her puppies! Boo Boo & Moo Moo Mags are just her favorites! She has become Minnie Mouse obsessed! She is still a little Man Shy, but gets over it quickly if that Man plays with her (peek-a-boo is the best). She is such a healthy eater. Blueberries, Raspberries, Bananas, Broccoli, Cauliflower & Carrots are some of her favorites. She loves to Skype with people, mostly Mathew & Aunt B though! She loves when we visit Memaw & Papaw. She runs to greet Daddy when he comes home from work. She really enjoys her fishing pole & always asks to go fishing.

This little girl has brought me so much joy & love. I never thought or knew how fulfilled I would be by taking care of my child & doing nothing else (not working) .I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I'm so proud to call her my daughter. I just can't wait to see what this next year brings us & what she is going to do.

I love you, Madison!

First Visit

Saturday, we went to help clean out Grandma's shed so she could actually use it without tripping over stuff & having so much garbage in her way. I love my Grandpa, but he kept a lot of stuff that should have just been thrown out. It took a few hours but we got it cleaned out & sorted into 3 piles (keep, throw away & sell/give away). After we got this done we hang out for a bit with Grams & had some ice cream. 

I think Madison & Grams really enjoyed each others company. They watched a bit of Mickey Mouse, played outside, swung in the swing, used a squirt gun on my truck, played with a ball & etc. I'm not sure which one of them had more fun! Just so happy to see my Grams happy.

Well, when we left we went for our first visit to Grampy since he was laid to rest. I'm not sure I knew what to expect really. I guess I had hoped that I wouldn't see a huge difference in where he was laid to rest & the rest of the grass around him. I love him, but it feels like he has been gone longer than just a month & half now. The grass above him was all brown & dead looking, which just reinforced the real reason I was there. Grampy is gone. I know he will live forever in my heart & the hearts of all those that loved him, but it hurt to see that grass like that.. I couldn't let it show because my baby girl was there & she was kind of iffy about the whole thing already. My little Madison, did the Hot Dog Dance  (if you've seen Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, you know what I'm talking about) for him. She even found some leaves to leave him (she always collects leaves & sticks when we are outside & wants to bring them home). She didn't want to leave him when it was time to go. I didn't really want to leave either because I had so much I wanted to tell him, but it was time to get going.

All in all it wasn't a bad first visit & I plan to head back to see him before I head home too. I think its always going to be hard for me to go there, but even harder for me to leave there too.

Status Quo

Yeah, its been a while. Things have been status quo around here. We are back in our normal routine & having a little extra fun & here and there.

Memorial Day weekend we took Madison to the Farmer's Market, Ren Fair & to a Blues & BBQ fest all on 1 day. I was expecting a terror by night time since she wasn't going to truly nap, but believe it or not she did wonderful. We had a moment or two at the Blues & BBQ fest, but we were able to diffuse her quickly & she started dancing to the music instead. 

This past Saturday, Dan had to work so we didn't do anything. Sunday though we went to the Art Fest in Downtown Iowa City. There was some really neat stuff & if we weren't going to have the expenses of moving & buying a new house, I would have bought some art there. We did sneak in a few selections from Culinary Row for lunch & then headed home. Madison was in all her glory after her nap because Daddy took her into the garage & let her help him put together the power washer. Then she got to use sidewalk chalk on the patio while Daddy grilled us some dinner. All & all a good weekend.

I have been trying to plan Madison's 2nd birthday party along with some fun things to do while we are visiting my family & friends back in IL. We will be visiting the Milwaukee Zoo with Madison's favorite, Mathew & Aunt B. Hoping to get in a visit with some others too. Then we are having her party at my mom's house on her 2nd birthday! Its just family since we cannot afford a huge party because of building the house & the moving expenses that are coming. 

Other than that I'm trying to get a few things done for the house. Picking colors, finding movers, getting pricing on a water softener & pricing for a few other things that we would like for the house to decide if we can do them now or wait until later. Its pretty exciting to think that in a little over 2 months we will be in our new house!

Grief is funny

Grief is a funny thing. I can be all right for days or even weeks & then I am balling my eyes out.

Gramps has been on my mind today. I don't know why but he has.

Since it's Mother's Day I decided to call Grams to wish her a happy one. I know she is at church so I thought I would leave her a message since I will be at the in-laws all day & don't know when I would have another chance to call. Well Fail! I couldn't do it because the second the machine picks up all I can do is cry! It's still his voice! I wouldn't want that to change for anything but I had to hung up without leaving the message.

Between this and the cards I wonder if I will ever be fully ok.

Time to pull myself together as we will be pulling up to my in-laws house in minutes.

Update 3

Its been quite a while since I updated on my list of things that I want to do this year to improve for myself & for my family.


1. I want to begin and stay working out at least 2 times a week This leaves me at least Sat & Sun when Dan is home, if Madison isn't in a cooperative mood.  Work in some other type of exercise (balance ball/yoga/workout video)
2. I want to get the crappy food out of my house.
3. I want to get out of the house more often. (more fun stuff)
4. I want to be more patient with my husband. I have all the patience in the world for Madison, but not for Dan for some reason.
5. I want to stop letting people get to me.
6. I want to get my townhouse up on the market and my house built.
7. I want to find new things for Madison and I to do
8. I want to have baby #2 (however, some of the other things listed need to happen first)
9. I want get my husband to take a mini-vacay just the two of us. 
10. I want us to spend more time together as a family adding in fun stuff too.
11. I want us to spend more time with our extended families.
12. Save Money!!!


Well, lets just say I haven't done anything & have actually slipped backwards alot on #1.  Not that this is an excuse, but things kind of got away from me when Grandpa started getting bad & I was heading back to IL every 2 weeks for a week or more.  So in order to re-focus myself on what I want to do I thought I would re-post this list & get my butt back in gear. During these trips back I did a lot of eating out & crappy eating. On the plus side I never gained back any of the weight that I had lost! Sweet! Starting Monday I will get up & work out again!


All the crappy food is still out of my house.


I guess if you count all the traveling we've done then Madison & I have been getting out a lot more.


My husband has been amazing throughout all of this. He has held me when I cried, supported & encouraged me to spend more time with my side of the family, so I could be there. Now its my turn to be patient with him while he does some turkey hunting on the weekends.  Must really work on this! He deserves it!


I just don't have time for people who want to upset me or piss me off. So I think I can cross #5 off my list now. What do you think?


Get my house built? Well, yes, I think I'm doing that. There is a basement there now at least. Tonight I will find out if they have been able to do more since we've had so much rain.  We have picked out quite a bit of things. The shingles & doors we just picked out. Saturday we are going to pick out all the lighting & Tuesday is all the faucets/sinks, etc needed for the plumbing. We did all the flooring, cabinets and such a long time ago. I just can't believe how much we have done, but how much more we need to do!


Find new things for Madison & I to do. Well, we have been doing some coloring lately & she has been really into blowing bubbles, but with the summer fast approaching I'm sure we will find even more.


Baby #2 isn't even a thought lately. We really need to get our townhouse sold before we even think about trying, though I am jealous as one of my friends told me last night that she is pregnant with her second. 


Mini-vacay - so not going to happen! The house is too much of an expense & with all the money we've spent for me to drive back and forth from IL the last few months, I just don't see us being able to swing it this year. Maybe we can just get mine or dh's mom to Madison for a weekend or something so we can have a staycation alone.


Doing more things as a family just hasn't happened either as every other week Madison and I were in IL, but now that we will be home indefinitely we can work on that more. I know hubby will want to take the wee one fishing as often as possible! I will love that too!


More time with the extended family - I think we definitely have that covered with my family, now to work on that with hubby's family. 


Save Money - we need to tone down our spending a bit as we have been spending a little too much due to me being gone & because we had some medical bills to pay for the wee one from when she had that horrible cough and had to go to immediate care in March. Deductibles stink! So no excessive spending. Less dinners out & no new books and things we don't really need.


I feel like I have my focus back. Lets hope it stays. 

How am I doing?

Well, lets see... I was doing fantastic. I was doing what Grandpa would have wanted. Moving foward with my life & taking care of the things I need to such as my family, myself & getting things done for our house to be built.

Was is the operative word, but I will be again. I lost it for a little bit today. Why you ask? It was over a sympathy card from my in-laws. I love them & love that they were thinking of me & my family, but it was just the reminder of the loss of this incredible man that brought me back to this place of sadness. Thankfully, Madison is napping so that I have some time to pull myself back together.

Hard Day Ahead

Today is going to be the hardest day. Today we lay Gramps to rest.

I've been ok since Monday. I mean there were the initial tears & sadness, but after seeing him suffer I was more relieved & was able to pull myself together quickly. There have been no more tears since then, but I awoke this morning feeling those tears build under the surface. I just know that the flood gates on those tears are going to open up at his funeral today & I will be a mess. I guess I shouldn't wear makeup today!

Last night was his wake. So many people showed up. I heard how loved he was by so many. I saw in the faces of those who lived in the old Chicago neighborhood we use to live in. To think he's been removed from there for 11 years & they still showed up to pay their respects to him. I think that says alot about my grandpa.

My Gramps meant the world to me. There is a lot a person could say about him. Here a few.

1. He was a hard worker - evident by the fact he worked 2 jobs for a long time.
2. He loved to camp & fish
3. He loved his family to no end
4. He dubbed himself Mr. Grumpy
5. He knew how to have fun! I mean he was a clown at one point!
6. He was proud of his military background & loved military history.
7. He was big on trains. He use to work on them as a brakemen & conductor.

I have so many good memories of the man & always  thought I would have so many more.

I remember being little & he worked nights so, he didn't get up until mid-day & I would run into his room, crawl up onto the bed and jump up & down until he woke up!
 I remember sitting on his lap Christmas morning & he would let me run the train under the tree.
 I remember a time I went fishing with him & we caught 2 fish, & put them in a bucket of water. We brought them back to the camper & left them outside in the bucket overnight. In the morning I got up and looked. There was only 1 fish left. Of course as a little girl & thought that the other fish ate it! He sat there an explained to me that another animal got the fish.
I remember him being pretty handy. He built a child size picnic table for us when we were little. I wish I had it now for my little girl!
I remember 4th of July parties in the backyard of the Chicago house & how much fun he had.
I remember on my wedding day how he told me he was proud of me & how he believed I chose the right man to marry.
He was so excited when he was told I was pregnant with Madison. Even until the very end he lite up whenever Madison was around. He loved her so & it showed.
Just a month ago he told me that I had picked a good man & he was glad I had him.


The only thing I wish was different was that I got to know him better. That I could tell more of his stories, so that a little more of him could live on. He only started telling us some of his stories in the last month or so.

Great Loss

Today is a day of great loss for my family. Today we said good bye to my grandfather. I sat at his bedside & held his hand as he took his last breathe. My mother & I tried to comfort him as he struggled to breathe. We sat there while the nurse checked for a pulse & when she told us he was gone. With our whole family surrounding him, we cried together & said good bye to him. It wasn't just his passing though, it was a life which, we just started learning about. He never talked about his past, until recently, so we are now losing out on really knowing him.

It was a day of great loss, but also of great relief. He has been in such pain for a little while due to the cancer, that it was a relief when he finally passed today because he isn't suffering any longer.

I know when people say "he's in a better place" that they are speaking the truth, however, it is annoying & irritates me at the same time. I don't know how to explain it but it does.

Rest in Peace Gramps!  Give Nanny a big ol' hug from me. Make sure you find the good places to go fishing! I love you & Miss you!

Feeling....

I have all sorts of crazy feeling lately. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop on everything. There has been so much negative happening lately, that I guess I just have that in my mind and am feeling that way.

I'm sure most of it is because we've been dealing so much with Grandpa & his illness. I really can't wait to get back to see him, but I dread it too. I just don't want him to be in pain anymore is the thing. I jump every time my phone rings thinking that its the phone call. I found a picture of him from about 7 years ago. He looked so different, so healthy. It made me cry for what my family & I was losing.

We did get a bad news phone call on Sunday, but it wasn't the one I was thinking it was going to be. Dan's uncle died. He had a long battle with cancer & lost that battle. Tomorrow we are going up to Dan's parents to attend the funeral.

We do have some good news. Today they are starting on the new house & digging the basement. This should be so very exciting for us, but all I can focus on is that we haven't had anyone look at the townhouse in over 2 weeks. I worry that we won't be able to sell it in time. I want this to be a happy time, but I am having such a hard time changing this attitude & thinking. I go back to read my last entry what seems like daily to get my attitude adjusted, but its doesn't seem to work. Maybe I need to get back into my workout mode too, to help deal with some of the stress. I have to find a way to break this feeling.

Positive Thinking is always welcome here! I need it more than ever right now!

Finding Blessings When Life Gets A Little Rough

Yes, even a midst all this horrible stuff my family is going through I can see the blessings. My Grandpa may be dying, but I am blessed to have had all the time I did with him & just to have him. I was blessed to have been fishing with him & camping with him & to have sat in his lap as a child and watched the train go around the Christmas tree.

I am blessed to have my wonderful husband too. My husband gave up a nice relaxing weekend to make that trip to see my Grandpa for Easter! He held my hand as I broke down in the truck on the drive home and I thought there is no one I would rather have next to me through this whole mess. If I want him with me through this mess I want him with me through every mess (trust me, I usually shut out everyone when things go bad). This man of mine told me that he doesn't care about going Turkey hunting if it meant I could go be with my family. Now to most that means nothing, but to a hunter's wife it means everything. If a hunter will give up a season of hunting for the someone else, then that is love, but not just any love. Its undying, eternal love & it means the world! Another wonderful blessing that has been shown to me in the middle of sadness.

My baby girl is a blessing in so many ways, but lately she had been what has been holding me together & keeping me from falling apart. If I didn't have her around, I'd probably spend every day in bed & not get out of it during this time, but she gets me up & makes me play & is just silly at exactly the times I need it. She will never know how much she has done for me during this time. I know a big job for someone who isn't even 2 yet, but she is so great at it.

My wonderfully large family! How could anyone not love them?! They are awesome. Even in this difficult time for all us they can still get together to laugh, joke & celebrate. They are the greatest. I can count on them for a good time any time.

My friends. How could I not love them like family? I don't know because many of them have prayed for my Grandpa & my family during this time. Many have called or text me to check in on me during this time as well. Some have even been able to distract me from what is going on with long phone conversations & even some visits.

There is one more blessing that I feel is coming out of this mess. Its relationships that are being repaired after so many years of hostility due to a mistake. I'm not going to say too much more, because I don't want to jinx it, but it seems as though this is happening within my large family & I hope it continues.

May you find blessings in your life when times are tough & you need them, just as I have found the blessings in mine when I needed them most.

Easter Weekend

What a crazy weekend it was!

Dan had off work on Friday so we tried to take the wee one fishing. She just loved reeling in the bobber! There were no fish to be caught though. It was fine because she had fun. The check engine light went on in my truck on the way home, so I called to get it in on Saturday morning all the while wondering if our weekend was going to be shot because of this.

Saturday, I sat at the dealership for about 3 hours while they figured out what was wrong with my truck & fixed it. A spark plug & an ignition coil! That was it. I raced home, we fed the wee one & packed all of us up including the dogs. We went to spend the night at Dan's parents & go to his aunt's surprise party that night. It was a blast to see his family. So many of his cousin's were in town too! We closed the bar down after his wonderful parents took Madison home & put her to bed.

We got up Sunday morning, had breakfast & then took off to drop the dogs at home. Once the dog's were nestled snuggly in their crates in the basement we hopped in the truck & drove out to Belvidere, IL to have Easter with my family & celebrate Grandpa's birthday. I could tell since the last time I saw him he had deteriorated. He was in so much pain but tried so hard to stay with us for those couple of hours. It broke my heart to see him like that, but it brought him joy to see everyone together. When they took him up to bed, I waited a bit & then went up to say goodbye to him. He told me that he was worried about us, so I had to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told him that he didn't need to worry about all of us. That we would take care of each other & we would all be fine. I told him it was okay for him to go if he was ready. He just looked at me and told me he loved me. I gave him a hug & kiss & told him that I loved him too.

Drained

This has been one rough week. I'm emotionally, physically & mentally  exhausted. I spent 4 days either at the hospital or nursing home with my Grandpa.

While he was in the hospital they had him in isolation & we had to gown & glove up. It was a little weird. I found out things were worse than what I was told before I got there. I was given the full story after I got to the hospital on Tuesday. Things are literally day to day, but he is doing better now. We had him transferred to a nursing home Thursday. He is being well taken care of now & I know he is in good hands.

Friday, I went up by myself with Madison & took care of some things for grandpa to make sure he was feeling better about where he was. Its a little saddening that he will never get to go home again except for a visit if he feels up to it. While there he had some major pain so we got them to call the doctor in to up his pain medicine. The Dr said that he would make Gramps comfortable & give him medicine whenever he wanted.

I was banned from going this weekend by my mom because I needed a break & Gramps wants to know that our lives are stopping for him. I went & watched my friend's son play in Beauty & the Beast Jr at his school. It was a good time. Mom took Madison today so I could go to lunch with another friend & do some shopping.

I feel really good about Gramps, so I'm packing up in the morning and heading home, of course with a stop to see Gramps before continuing on home. I have a few things that need to take care of there & then I'll probably head back in a week or so. We need to get the lot sold to our builder so we can break ground.

Tomorrow is not something I am looking forward to. Its going to be really hard to say goodbye to him when its time to leave. Only, because I'm not sure when I'll be back or if he will still be here when I am back. I need to make sure I get in a few extra hugs! I'm hoping I can get all the way home before the crush of tears hit me because I honestly do not want to have to pull over to pull myself together.

How do you???

How do you say good bye?

Yesterday I was told that its time to come say goodbye. He's given up fighting & is ready to go. Mom said they are going to move him to hospice which means he will never go home again. She said he seems at peace with this decision & wants to just go to sleep. I don't blame him, but at the same time I'm not ready to say goodbye. The Dr said that he could stay with us for another 2-3 months but that was being really positive. The Dr told her that usually after they discover a tumor in the brain with his type of cancer its usually only 45 days. He's well past that. Mom doesn't think he will make it to Easter based on what she saw of him this weekend.

After hearing all this I've cried & screamed. I've pleaded with God. I've thrown things & punched pillows. None of it has helped my grief. After all this I pulled myself together & hugged & kissed my daughter & husband. I gave my daughter a bath. These things, as normal as they are, were the things that helped. Why? I believe its because Grandpa wouldn't have wanted me to be doing the first things & would have wanted me to do the normal things. He always wanted the normal & didn't want us to fuss over him.

I'm trying to be at peace with Grandpa's decision. I accept it because its what he wants, but I have to find peace within myself to be ok with this. I'm still walking around in a fog, but who wouldn't be. I know he will see Nanny again.

I'm packing up & heading out to say my goodbyes in the next couple of days. I have to make sure the truck is road ready & safe. I also need to make sure that my absents isn't going to hold up the building of our house because I know if it was, Grandpa would not be happy with my leaving.

So then the next thing is how do I say goodbye? I don't know how to say good bye to him though. I want to give him a hug & kiss & tell him I love him. That is all I have. How do you tell a man that has been there from the day you were born goodbye? I have so many memories of him & had hoped for so many more. I remember always wanting to sit in his lap as a child. Spending weekends at the campgrounds with him & Grandma. Swimming in the pool, going fishing, playing in the park, chasing toads & frogs & sitting at our little kid size picnic table that he made for us. I remember when I was little & I use to wake him so he could go to work. I remember when I use to beep his nose & he honked like a goose. So how do I tell him how much I appreciate the time we spent together & how much I loved every minute of it?