Putting it out there- I have PPD

Well, one of my biggest fears when I was pregnant was that I would end up with postpartum depression (PPD).

I did great after Madison was born. Didn't get PPD. It was a huge relief. I figured I was safe & wouldn't get it after having any other babies.

I got pregnant with Paityn . The fear of PPD creeped in, but I kept it at bay by reminding myself that I didn't get it with Madison so I was in the clear. After having Paityn relief washed over me because I was happy. The happiest I have ever been. I had 2 healthy happy girls. Then at the end of September it was like someone flipped a switch. I had no warning. It hit me. I was not myself. I started yelling a lot. My poor baby, Madison took the brunt of it mostly because of her 3 yr old antics & not behaving. I feel so awful for how much I yelled at her. I thought it was not enough sleep or just the behavior was wearing my patience so thin, but then this weekend she cried because she thought I was going to be mad at her because her daddy wasn't hungry for lunch. That's what did it. I knew when Dan told me that, there had to be something else at work. So I vowed to talk to my Doctor about it.

Today was my appointment. I dreaded this day because she could tell me there was nothing wrong with me which would mean I was just plain old mean to my baby for no reason at all or she would tell me I had PPD (not an excuse for being mean to my baby & trust me I am having a hard time forgiving myself for all the yelling & how much it hurt her).

Well, PPD was my answer. Its mild, but still being put on antidepressants. Not what I wanted by any means, but its treatable. It can be overcome. I am still trying to wrap my head around it, but I will get there.

In the meantime I have a few questions for the Dr about the meds before I start them. I am also going to make it all up to Madison. I don't care how many movies & TV shows or crafts or whatever she wants to do, I have to do to make her at least forget the mean mommy who yells. For the first time in a long time she snuggled up with me & told me I was the best.