So I had my mind made up Thursday morning that I was going to IL to see my grandpa. I did laundry & packed Madison and myself. Got the truck partially loaded Thursday night, so all I needed to do was load our last minute stuff and feed Madison before we left Friday morning. Well, someone or should I say something had other plans for us. The husband left for work Friday morning, or at least I thought he had, .but within 5 minutes of him walking out the door he was back at it. His truck wouldn't start. Well, there went my intentions to leave that morning. I threw my truck keys at him and told him to go. I then had to call the dealership, who sent a flatbed truck out to pick it up. I got a call hours later about why it would start. I told them to fix it & to fix the other issue it had plus an oil change & a tire rotation. At least it was all done by the time the hubby got home and we picked it up.
We finally left Saturday morning to see Grandpa. We spent the majority of Saturday at Grandpa's. It was nice. We didn't talk about his cancer at all. We focused on spending the day together. We talked about memories. We discussed the house we are building and lots of other things.
Other than his looking a little on the pale side, he seemed to have a few ticks and I think struggled a little bit with talking (of course that could have been him trying to be nice since we were all there). These were very slight though and I don't think anyone would notice unless of course you are looking for it.
By the end of our visit Madison was warming up to Grandpa (she is shy & unsure of most men, but I'm sure Grandpa's walker wasn't helping either). She was good enough that she was walking right up to him and giving him teddy bears she was playing with.
My heart did break a little when right before we left Grandpa's he asked if we or anyone we know would want to buy his pop-up camper. Grandpa loves to camp and would never get rid of it unless he knew he would no longer be able to go camping. I knew in my head this to be true, but never really wanted to think about it. It just puts what he is going through more into prespective and makes it all so real.
I am staying with my mom, but will be staying with a friend for 2 nights this week as she is going to watch Madison while I go and take Grandpa to at least 1 of his radiation treatments this week. I know he hates the fuss, but I don't get to make it back all the time and if I have to drive him to and from a treatment to spend time with him, then so be it.
I have always known I have the greatest friends, who I consider family, but their willingness to help & let us stay with them & watch my daughter & just overall be there to talk, listen or whatever has been the greatest gift anyone could have given me. I am so lucky to have such great people in my life. It is something that I will never forget!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Bad News, Became Worse
Well, I blogged about a week or more ago about Grandpa having pancreatic & liver cancer. Well, it just got worse. He had a PET scan last week and they found a tumor on his spine. There was also a shadow on the brain, so he went for an MRI. The MRI confirmed a tumor in his brain. Chemo last week also wiped him out. So he is starting Radiation treatments instead. I'm not sure when, but I am assuming he will start them Monday as he is suppose to go 5 times a week for 4 weeks.
My heart is broken when I received this news yesterday. I have the urge to leave today and drive to spend time with him. I don't normally pray, but yesterday seemed like the time to do it. So I prayed for him. I prayed that no matter what he would not suffer. I prayed that my family would find peace with all that is happening. I stretched a little bit and prayed that I get to spend at least one more day with him too.
I have many wonderful memories of my grandpa, but I would give just about anything to spend one more day with him. Honestly, if I could, I would take him out fishing one more time.
I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around all of this.
If you read this, I ask that you please pray for him and for my family.
My heart is broken when I received this news yesterday. I have the urge to leave today and drive to spend time with him. I don't normally pray, but yesterday seemed like the time to do it. So I prayed for him. I prayed that no matter what he would not suffer. I prayed that my family would find peace with all that is happening. I stretched a little bit and prayed that I get to spend at least one more day with him too.
I have many wonderful memories of my grandpa, but I would give just about anything to spend one more day with him. Honestly, if I could, I would take him out fishing one more time.
I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around all of this.
If you read this, I ask that you please pray for him and for my family.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Excitement is building
Or should it be building is exciting?! Either way I am excited about our future!
So after our meeting with the builder on Thursday night, I had been given some tasks to complete! The tasks sounded fun but daunting at the same time. The first task, I tackled was to pick out appliances. I was not sure what I wanted. Gas or Electric? Double oven or Stove unit? Well, lucky where our builder sent me, they knew a lot about it. I told him what we were looking for and he guided me right to it. I explained my unsureness about gas & electric and he willing showed me both and explained each one and their features. He showed me a microwave that can double as a convection oven, so I can have added room to bake! Cheaper than a double oven but more expensive than just a microwave! He made it so easy to pick. He also helped me pick a dishwasher plus a washer and dryer!
Next task was flooring! Me oh my! The options there are. The store I was sent to for flooring was great too. He showed me option all within our allowance for it. All great options & I picked out all the tile with no problem what so ever. We are wavering back and forth on our carpeting though. I brought samples of carpet & the tile I picked out so Dan can see them and we can see them side by side. I have to take them back later this week and tell him what we have decided. I think we have a plan of how to do the carpet, its just going to add a little extra.
My next task is to look at siding colors & stone for our exterior! We took a little drive around to see if we could find any that we liked. We did! I have pictures of them too! I hope we can do what we want without adding costs!
Now we just need to wait until they have the plans finalized and the pricing a little more firm.
We have made quite the dent in stuff to get the townhouse ready for sale. We have quite a bit to go still though.
So after our meeting with the builder on Thursday night, I had been given some tasks to complete! The tasks sounded fun but daunting at the same time. The first task, I tackled was to pick out appliances. I was not sure what I wanted. Gas or Electric? Double oven or Stove unit? Well, lucky where our builder sent me, they knew a lot about it. I told him what we were looking for and he guided me right to it. I explained my unsureness about gas & electric and he willing showed me both and explained each one and their features. He showed me a microwave that can double as a convection oven, so I can have added room to bake! Cheaper than a double oven but more expensive than just a microwave! He made it so easy to pick. He also helped me pick a dishwasher plus a washer and dryer!
Next task was flooring! Me oh my! The options there are. The store I was sent to for flooring was great too. He showed me option all within our allowance for it. All great options & I picked out all the tile with no problem what so ever. We are wavering back and forth on our carpeting though. I brought samples of carpet & the tile I picked out so Dan can see them and we can see them side by side. I have to take them back later this week and tell him what we have decided. I think we have a plan of how to do the carpet, its just going to add a little extra.
My next task is to look at siding colors & stone for our exterior! We took a little drive around to see if we could find any that we liked. We did! I have pictures of them too! I hope we can do what we want without adding costs!
Now we just need to wait until they have the plans finalized and the pricing a little more firm.
We have made quite the dent in stuff to get the townhouse ready for sale. We have quite a bit to go still though.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Moving On? Forward? Hmmm...
Well things are moving forward.. I guess is the way to put it.
I'm still trying to come to terms with my Grandpa's diagnosis. I'm trying to understand what he is going through and what he will go through. I know its awkward for my family to talk about, but I don't understand why? Its an illness and we've talked about all his other illnesses. I can only think that this is because its one that no matter what the outcome isn't going to be good. I am having some conflicts with this whole thing. I want my daughter to know him, but I can't really take her to see him because now that he has started chemo his immune system is going to take a shot and lets face it kids & the elderly are the ones that catch something first. I don't know what to do. So I'm trying to figure it out still.
The building of our house is going forward as well. I am in the middle of getting our townhouse ready for sale. At least there isn't anything major that I need to do to get ready. Its just clearing the clutter and taking down pictures. We are going to clean our carpets, mostly because they need it, but to help with getting it ready. Tomorrow we are meeting with our builder to hopefully finalize our plans & get a start date on the house. I am excited about it, but also very nervous because there is so much to do and so much that needs to fall into place with all of this.
I have been bad and have not been working out like I had planned this week. The problem is, is that I've been feeling sick whenever I wake in the morning and start moving. As the day goes on it gets better with a few set backs here and there. I think the stress of everything is getting to me. I just need to get up and do it!
Madison is doing well and becoming a typical toddler. She has started throwing fits when she doesn't get her way. Everything is "no" to her. We are trying to get her to say yes more often especially when we know she wants stuff. She has been really good about taking her antibiotic. I tell her its medicine time & she runs to me with her mouth open ready to take it. She loves to play in the snow, now that we have some. She also knows in order to leave the house she needs her hat & her shoes. If I even say anything about going out she runs to grab her shoes & hat. Its absolutely adorable. She is talking more and more & learning her letters. She actually came running into the living room yelling "B, B" & carrying her "B" magnet from her fridge phonics. She is just growing way too fast. Right now she is what keeps me sane even when she is throwing a fit!
I'm still trying to come to terms with my Grandpa's diagnosis. I'm trying to understand what he is going through and what he will go through. I know its awkward for my family to talk about, but I don't understand why? Its an illness and we've talked about all his other illnesses. I can only think that this is because its one that no matter what the outcome isn't going to be good. I am having some conflicts with this whole thing. I want my daughter to know him, but I can't really take her to see him because now that he has started chemo his immune system is going to take a shot and lets face it kids & the elderly are the ones that catch something first. I don't know what to do. So I'm trying to figure it out still.
The building of our house is going forward as well. I am in the middle of getting our townhouse ready for sale. At least there isn't anything major that I need to do to get ready. Its just clearing the clutter and taking down pictures. We are going to clean our carpets, mostly because they need it, but to help with getting it ready. Tomorrow we are meeting with our builder to hopefully finalize our plans & get a start date on the house. I am excited about it, but also very nervous because there is so much to do and so much that needs to fall into place with all of this.
I have been bad and have not been working out like I had planned this week. The problem is, is that I've been feeling sick whenever I wake in the morning and start moving. As the day goes on it gets better with a few set backs here and there. I think the stress of everything is getting to me. I just need to get up and do it!
Madison is doing well and becoming a typical toddler. She has started throwing fits when she doesn't get her way. Everything is "no" to her. We are trying to get her to say yes more often especially when we know she wants stuff. She has been really good about taking her antibiotic. I tell her its medicine time & she runs to me with her mouth open ready to take it. She loves to play in the snow, now that we have some. She also knows in order to leave the house she needs her hat & her shoes. If I even say anything about going out she runs to grab her shoes & hat. Its absolutely adorable. She is talking more and more & learning her letters. She actually came running into the living room yelling "B, B" & carrying her "B" magnet from her fridge phonics. She is just growing way too fast. Right now she is what keeps me sane even when she is throwing a fit!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Our week.
So Yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel like I was on the verge of tears all day long. I still feel like crying every time I think of my grandpa though, which isn't a good thing. I want to be strong for him. I want to remember the good stuff with smiles not tears. I want to spend as much time as I can with him and allow my daughter the same.
I had to take Madison to the Dr because she got a sore on the thumb she sucks and got it infected. She is now on an antibiotic. The Dr even noticed that she has all 4 of her 2nd year molars to coming in at once plus she has her bottom 2 canines coming in as well. She has been so crabby, but since starting her antibiotic she is feeling better and not as crabby. On the plus side she has still be sleeping through the night with all this!
We got some snow dumped on us yesterday. I think it was about 5 inches. After Madison's nap yesterday afternoon I dressed her all nice and warm and took her out to play in the snow. She had a blast picking it up and throwing it at me and pushing it around with her hands. I only kept her out there for about 30 minutes as it was pretty cold. She had a fit when I brought her in and tried to head back out all by herself. Once I took of her snow clothes, she was better and ready for a snack!
We are still waiting to get things moving on getting the house built. We are waiting to meet with the builder to finalize plans. In the meantime I am working on getting our townhouse ready to be put on the market.
I have worked out 3 times this week so far. I think I have done pretty good. I have also been eating a little bit better. Its hard to make such big changes, but I am trying. I've only been doing the treadmill so far, but I didn't want to over do it and hurt myself, like I did last year and put off working out and never get back to it.
I made an appointment for an oil change on my truck for tomorrow and then a hair appointment for after that. These appointments mean Dan gets to take care of Madison by himself for the whole morning and part of the afternoon. I think this will be the longest he has had her by himself. I can't wait to see how it all goes as she is a momma's girl!
I have also realized in the next few weeks I have to make an appointment for Maggie for her heartworm testing and we need to reschedule our appointment to get Dan's 401K rolled over. Not too mention I need to get Madison's Pediatrician's office and Walgreens our new insurance cards as I didn't have them when I took her the other day. It seems as though my To DO List is growing instead of shrinking. Anyone wanna come help????
I had to take Madison to the Dr because she got a sore on the thumb she sucks and got it infected. She is now on an antibiotic. The Dr even noticed that she has all 4 of her 2nd year molars to coming in at once plus she has her bottom 2 canines coming in as well. She has been so crabby, but since starting her antibiotic she is feeling better and not as crabby. On the plus side she has still be sleeping through the night with all this!
We got some snow dumped on us yesterday. I think it was about 5 inches. After Madison's nap yesterday afternoon I dressed her all nice and warm and took her out to play in the snow. She had a blast picking it up and throwing it at me and pushing it around with her hands. I only kept her out there for about 30 minutes as it was pretty cold. She had a fit when I brought her in and tried to head back out all by herself. Once I took of her snow clothes, she was better and ready for a snack!
We are still waiting to get things moving on getting the house built. We are waiting to meet with the builder to finalize plans. In the meantime I am working on getting our townhouse ready to be put on the market.
I have worked out 3 times this week so far. I think I have done pretty good. I have also been eating a little bit better. Its hard to make such big changes, but I am trying. I've only been doing the treadmill so far, but I didn't want to over do it and hurt myself, like I did last year and put off working out and never get back to it.
I made an appointment for an oil change on my truck for tomorrow and then a hair appointment for after that. These appointments mean Dan gets to take care of Madison by himself for the whole morning and part of the afternoon. I think this will be the longest he has had her by himself. I can't wait to see how it all goes as she is a momma's girl!
I have also realized in the next few weeks I have to make an appointment for Maggie for her heartworm testing and we need to reschedule our appointment to get Dan's 401K rolled over. Not too mention I need to get Madison's Pediatrician's office and Walgreens our new insurance cards as I didn't have them when I took her the other day. It seems as though my To DO List is growing instead of shrinking. Anyone wanna come help????
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Bad News
I got bad news last night that left me up and crying for most of last night. My grandpa has cancer. Not just any cancer, but pancreatic & liver cancer. He got the results yesterday and the news is now spread around our family. The Dr are giving him 12-18 months, 24 months if chemo goes well.
These last few years his health has been on a decline and I knew his time was coming, but I never thought it would be like this. He's in pain now, I don't even want to think of the pain he will be in, in the months to come with chemo or even the pain he will be in, in a year.
I'm having a hard time reconciling this information with my view of him in my mind. See, my mind's eye still has him as a 50-something man who worked 2 jobs and played with us and showed us his train set. He's the same man who renewed his vows to his wife 2 or 3 times now. He is the same man I use to go wake up in the late morning/early afternoon (he worked 2 or 3rd shift) when I was about 4 or so. I still picture him as the man he was when I was growing up, not as the sick man he has been for the last 3 years.
In the last 3 years he's had a lot of health issues, so I knew that at some point I was going to get the dreaded phone call, but I never thought this would be it. At least we are being given a heads up that this is whats going to happen, but I don't know if thats really a good thing. How do you prepare yourself to say goodbye? How do you stand by and watch someone you love go through pain and agony? Don't get me wrong I am grateful to have more time with him, to be able to say and do the things that I have put off. I just don't want him to suffer.
There are few things that give me comfort in this situation. The biggest is that I know when his time comes, he will be with his mom and brother again. The next is that I know they are watching over him now.
I am trying to come to terms with this. I need to do it soon because I need to be able to call grandpa & grandma without crying and I need to be able to see them without crying. I also need to be able to face the day without hiding my tears from my sweet baby girl. I'm so happy that she got to meet him and spend time with him. Now I need to get over my sadness so I can make sure she gets to spend more time with him while she has it.
If you read this please, please pray for him. I am not asking for a miracle, just that you pray that he never suffers through this process.
These last few years his health has been on a decline and I knew his time was coming, but I never thought it would be like this. He's in pain now, I don't even want to think of the pain he will be in, in the months to come with chemo or even the pain he will be in, in a year.
I'm having a hard time reconciling this information with my view of him in my mind. See, my mind's eye still has him as a 50-something man who worked 2 jobs and played with us and showed us his train set. He's the same man who renewed his vows to his wife 2 or 3 times now. He is the same man I use to go wake up in the late morning/early afternoon (he worked 2 or 3rd shift) when I was about 4 or so. I still picture him as the man he was when I was growing up, not as the sick man he has been for the last 3 years.
In the last 3 years he's had a lot of health issues, so I knew that at some point I was going to get the dreaded phone call, but I never thought this would be it. At least we are being given a heads up that this is whats going to happen, but I don't know if thats really a good thing. How do you prepare yourself to say goodbye? How do you stand by and watch someone you love go through pain and agony? Don't get me wrong I am grateful to have more time with him, to be able to say and do the things that I have put off. I just don't want him to suffer.
There are few things that give me comfort in this situation. The biggest is that I know when his time comes, he will be with his mom and brother again. The next is that I know they are watching over him now.
I am trying to come to terms with this. I need to do it soon because I need to be able to call grandpa & grandma without crying and I need to be able to see them without crying. I also need to be able to face the day without hiding my tears from my sweet baby girl. I'm so happy that she got to meet him and spend time with him. Now I need to get over my sadness so I can make sure she gets to spend more time with him while she has it.
If you read this please, please pray for him. I am not asking for a miracle, just that you pray that he never suffers through this process.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Resolutions
Ok, so New Year's Resolutions don't work for me. So now that the newness of the year is starting to pass as we are on the 8th day of the year. I have decided I'm going to try to begin some "new" stuff.
Things I want to do this year & improve upon.
1. I want to begin and stay working out at least 2 times a week This leaves me at least Sat & Sun when Dan is home, if Madison isn't in a cooperative mood.
2. I want to get the crappy food out of my house.
3. I want to get out of the house more often.
4. I want to be more patient with my husband. I have all the patience in the world for Madison, but not for Dan for some reason.
5. I want to stop letting people get to me.
6. I want to get my townhouse up on the market and my house built.
7. I want to find new things for Madison and I to do
8. I want to have baby #2 (however, some of the other things listed need to happen first)
9. I want get my husband to take a mini-vacay just the two of us.
10. I want us to spend more time together as a family
11. I want us to spend more time with our extended families.
I don't think any of these are unreasonable at all. I think I can accomplish all of these or at least improve on all of them. I am going to try to blog about some of these so I can keep myself on track.
Things I want to do this year & improve upon.
1. I want to begin and stay working out at least 2 times a week This leaves me at least Sat & Sun when Dan is home, if Madison isn't in a cooperative mood.
2. I want to get the crappy food out of my house.
3. I want to get out of the house more often.
4. I want to be more patient with my husband. I have all the patience in the world for Madison, but not for Dan for some reason.
5. I want to stop letting people get to me.
6. I want to get my townhouse up on the market and my house built.
7. I want to find new things for Madison and I to do
8. I want to have baby #2 (however, some of the other things listed need to happen first)
9. I want get my husband to take a mini-vacay just the two of us.
10. I want us to spend more time together as a family
11. I want us to spend more time with our extended families.
I don't think any of these are unreasonable at all. I think I can accomplish all of these or at least improve on all of them. I am going to try to blog about some of these so I can keep myself on track.
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