How do you???

How do you say good bye?

Yesterday I was told that its time to come say goodbye. He's given up fighting & is ready to go. Mom said they are going to move him to hospice which means he will never go home again. She said he seems at peace with this decision & wants to just go to sleep. I don't blame him, but at the same time I'm not ready to say goodbye. The Dr said that he could stay with us for another 2-3 months but that was being really positive. The Dr told her that usually after they discover a tumor in the brain with his type of cancer its usually only 45 days. He's well past that. Mom doesn't think he will make it to Easter based on what she saw of him this weekend.

After hearing all this I've cried & screamed. I've pleaded with God. I've thrown things & punched pillows. None of it has helped my grief. After all this I pulled myself together & hugged & kissed my daughter & husband. I gave my daughter a bath. These things, as normal as they are, were the things that helped. Why? I believe its because Grandpa wouldn't have wanted me to be doing the first things & would have wanted me to do the normal things. He always wanted the normal & didn't want us to fuss over him.

I'm trying to be at peace with Grandpa's decision. I accept it because its what he wants, but I have to find peace within myself to be ok with this. I'm still walking around in a fog, but who wouldn't be. I know he will see Nanny again.

I'm packing up & heading out to say my goodbyes in the next couple of days. I have to make sure the truck is road ready & safe. I also need to make sure that my absents isn't going to hold up the building of our house because I know if it was, Grandpa would not be happy with my leaving.

So then the next thing is how do I say goodbye? I don't know how to say good bye to him though. I want to give him a hug & kiss & tell him I love him. That is all I have. How do you tell a man that has been there from the day you were born goodbye? I have so many memories of him & had hoped for so many more. I remember always wanting to sit in his lap as a child. Spending weekends at the campgrounds with him & Grandma. Swimming in the pool, going fishing, playing in the park, chasing toads & frogs & sitting at our little kid size picnic table that he made for us. I remember when I was little & I use to wake him so he could go to work. I remember when I use to beep his nose & he honked like a goose. So how do I tell him how much I appreciate the time we spent together & how much I loved every minute of it?