Today has been pretty hard. After last night I thought for sure I was going to be having my baby today. I had contractions pretty much all day. At 9 pm I was having them steadily every 7 mins for 1-1 1/2 mins in length & they were starting to get annoying. Well at around 10 pm I decided I was going to go lay in bed & try to get some sleep at the Dr told me 5 mins apart 1 min in length for 1 hour before heading in. Well, sure enough I slept. Woke up with acid reflux issues a few times. I could feel contractions but they had spread out again. By this morning they were almost gone. GRRR!
I was so exhausted. Felt like I didn't sleep a wink. woke up just before 7:30 & realized I had a Chiropractor appt at 8:30! CRAP! Had to get my butt dressed, wake Madison & get her dressed. Well, no time for breakfast. DAMN IT! Went to the appt, then went to the mall & had breakfast at Panera & let Madison play for bit. Well, contractions started up again. We headed home, just in case. I got a big "HAHA!" from the contractions as the died out again. Son of a xxxxx! Oh well, After lunch Madison went down for a nap & guess what I did?! Yep I napped for 2 1/2 hours, could have slept more, but little miss woke up yelling. I have just been miserable since. I feel exhausted & have a headache that won't go away.
To make matters worse I just want to go crawl under my pillows & cry. Today marks 1 year since I said goodbye to my Grandpa. Grumpy Grampy as I liked to call him. It was this day one year ago that our family gathered around his bedside & prayed, told stories & well, just waited. Its a day I have mixed emotions about. So grateful I got to be there, to hold his hand & tell him it was ok to go when he took his last breathe. Though another part of me wishes I never had to live it, but that side just doesn't want to have lived it because I want him here! I want him to be there to say hi to his new great-granddaughter & take both of them fishing, like he took my brother & I. That is obviously the selfish side of me.
Watching someone pass, especially someone close to you, even if its in a very peaceful manner as my Grandpa's was, is something that changes you. It changes the way you look at things. It gives you new perspective. I always thought that watching him pass would be traumatic, but honestly, it wasn't. It was a relief because I knew he was no longer in pain. It was sad. It was more than I think I could ever describe, but its something that I'm glad I was there for. It made me realize I was stronger than I thought I was. I feel lucky to have been there with him. It changed me in the fact that I started seeking out God more. No, I'm still not into religion, well, organized religion, but I'm open to it now. When I say I'm seeking God out, I mean I pray more, I talk to him more. I look for Him more in my life.
If I had to be honest here, I would say the day is hardest because I wanted my baby girl here today because her entrance to the world would make this day better. It would no longer be the anniversary of my Grandpa's death, but it would be the day my baby was born. I think it would heal more in me & in my family that we knew we needed healed. It would be a circle closed - a circle of life - so to speak.
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